Carlos Ruiz to Generously Share Himself with the World

“Chooooooooooooooch,” replies World

Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Wiping the blood of most of his coaching staff from his lips, Ruben Amaro addressed the media the other day to discuss the contract situation with Carlos Ruiz.  The situation is that there is no situation and Chooch will definitely be on the team next year so that’s not really worth discussing in even a satirical or sarcastic way.

The same article mentions the Phillies will probably pick up their option for Ty Wigginton, too, which is gross, but whatever; we’re not going to let a cool story about Chooch get ruined by the fact that Ty Wigginton is in it and still doing things.

But with the close of Phillies business yesterday, Chooch does not have an outlet to allow his inner-Choochness to be expelled.  He’s probably all backed up now, after having a career season that ended with him hitting .326, far and away the highest his average has ever been.

Fortunately, the World Baseball Classic qualifier is only a month away, and you better believe Panama is reaching out to Chooch for help.  Last year, it took a phone call from the Panamanian president to get Chooch to showcase himself for the world to see.  This year, it is most likely that he will do so without much coercing, being the generally perfect human being that he is.

And so, Chooch’s horrifying 2012 hitting expo will continue, this time for the world to see.  Amaro has no plans of stopping any players from entering the WBC, whether it’s Chooch performing an honor requested by his the government of his homeland, or Pete Orr, returning to his native Canada to represent his country and be hassled by his hockey-playing brothers at the dinner table for choosing to pursue ‘stickball’ instead of a real man’s sport.

Chooch deserves this opportunity, and the potential glory it accompanies, having watched his best season yet be all for nothing. The question is, does the world deserve Chooch?

No it does not.  Obviously it has a lot of improvements to make to be ready for him.