After knocking the two-out single that enabled Jimmy Rollins’ game winning two-run home run, the Phillies press corps watched Pete Orr’s youth melt away right before their eyes, changing the general tone and number of people who were currently vomiting of the press conference.
“I don’t understand,” said one reporter who chose to remain anonymous due to concerns about his own youth and also not realizing this was an interview. “I mean, what? Why did that happen? Who does that happen to? Where did all of that skin come from?”
Calling the transformation a “tornado of the human body’s most vile sounds,” the reporter, like most others, could barely summon a reaction, let alone a question for the now 110-year old utility infielder.
“I know it just landed the Mars rover and may have better things to do, but if science could look into this matter, that would really take a load off my nightmares,” the reporter continued. “Every time I look in the mirror, I think, ‘am I next? Is my face is going to melt off?’ I feel like there’s got to be a better answer than breaking all the mirrors in my house and pretending everything’s fine.”
Theories have arisen that reporters may have witnessed the acquiring of Pete Orr’s soul from some sort of devil figure, having allowed Pete to reach base and be a hero, with the serpentine twist that Pete never made the clarification to not be an unsung hero.
Reports indicate that the chance has led to the Phillies front office offering Orr a two-year, $3 million extension.
At press time most witnesses were still barfing.