Game Day Six-Pack: “Why can’t we love a baseball team more than a 40-ish woman with fake breasts?”

There’s no way you are as drunk or as in Miller Park than Miller Park Drunk.  That’s why we got ‘im.  Yeah, he’s on Twitter, sure, @millerparkdrunk.  But don’t go there; stay here and read his thoughts.  Even though this could be totally irrelevant by now and on Twitter he’s constantly updating with new information.

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Look, are you gonna read it or not?

Mike Fiers is making a name for himself with his sporadic fastball and his whoa-now over the top delivery.  Would you say that he is someone to Fier?  I am not positive on how his name is pronounced.  I assume it sounds like “fear.”

It’s pronounced like “fires” so, no, I would hope that Mike Fiers doesn’t get fired anytime soon,. I don’t know if he is really a thing or if he is just a thing that is just a thing right now, but I am excited to see what happens. Anytime your team starts a 27 year old guy with a shaved head and facial hair you have to root for that guy. You should almost be afraid not to.

Front Row Andy once said, “Classy bitches don’t show nip.”  How does this philosophy reflect his Brewers fandom?  And why won’t classy bitches show nip?  Do they even consider it?

Well, I must not be a classy bitch then because at Miller Park Drunk’s Pants Party 2 I was showing nip like it was my business. SO WHAT’S UP NOW FRONT ROW ANDY?

Better question: why are you quoting Front Row Andy? Why is he a thing? Front Row Amy shouldn’t even be a thing and now her parody is a thing too? I don’t get it. Here’s a tip for young bloggers looking to get ahead in the industry: Instead of starting a blog and writing really awesome posts just buy Front Row Amy’s tickets and dress in a funny costume. Then start a twitter account. You’ll get quoted on Phillies blogs, it’ll be cool.

Front Row Amy once said, “U can’t love baseball more than me :).”  Why can’t I?  What’s wrong with me?  I thought I loved baseball a lot

This is really a much bigger question than I am prepared to answer. Why can’t we love a sport or a baseball team more than a 40-ish woman with fake breasts? is a question that has pondered man from day one. I’m sure that you really want to love baseball more than someone who is internet famous for absolutely no reason, but you can’t. Why? Because society won’t let you. Society says that you have to be attracted to boobs even if said boobs belong to someone old enough to be your mother (or at least your mom’s younger sister) and aren’t even real. This isn’t your fault, it is a societal issue. If I were you I’d put the whole system on trial.

Additional thought: What kind of creep tweets “I love baseball only slightly more than you” to someone he saw sitting in the front row of a baseball game? I bet he has a Front Row Amy pic as his wallpaper. I bet he has crudely photoshopped Amy’s head onto a photo of a topless model in order to pleasure himself.

Is there a mysterious FM radio transmitter hidden somewhere in Miller Park?  Does is broadcast some sort of haunting, Brewers baseball-equivalent to the Torre Bert Recordings? 

Yes and it is the voice of former Brewers pitcher Ruben Quevedo trying to order a brat from the pitcher’s mound. His order, much like his pitching, is always unsuccessful.

Has any person ever had the chance to “Ride the Slide” with Bernie Brewer?  Can you imagine if a real person who looked like him asked someone to “ride the slide” with him?

Strangely I’ve been asked this question a couple of times lately and I honestly have no idea. That slide really looks dangerous when you take a closer look at it. I think if you didn’t know what you were doing you could definitely fly off and fall dead into the stands so if you were to go down it you’d definitely need to ride on Bernie’s lap. Which opens up an entire box of issues that the Brewers probably want to steer clear from. I’m going to guess no on the “Ride the Slide” opportunity. There’s a reason TC Bear is only allowed in the chalet after all.

And a real person who looked like Bernie Brewer asking kids to ride the slide with him would basically be Jerry Sandusky with a yellow mustache, right?

Name the three most exciting young names the Brewers are expecting to see called up as this awful, awful year comes to a monotonous close? 

Well, the important one is already here and that’s Jean Segura. Who is basically Barry Larkin for a new generation without the stench of Marge Schott’s dogs on him. He’s going to be really awesome and the Angels are so dumb for giving him to us for three months of not awesome Zack Greinke. I am positively giddy about Jean Segura.

My other two favorite Brewer prospect are two guys that I don’t know if we’ll see in September or not, but certainly would like to. They are Caleb Gindl and Scooter Gennett.

Caleb is like 5’9″ 200 pounds so it’s hard not to get behind him. I’m pretty sure 5’9″ 200 pounds is the very definition of a Wisconsin male (I’m being generous) and his ability to hit while looking just like a more muscular version of us should make him a fan favorite right away. I don’t think he’s quite ready as he’s struggled in AAA this season, but his .897 OPS in July is something to think about.

Scooter Gennett is another guy that doesn’t really have the size that you expect out of a major leaguer, but he just hits so well it doesn’t matter. Scooter is a 5’9″ 165 pound second baseman who has made the All-Star team at every level. He’s probably a 2B or bust and the existence of Rickie Weeks makes his future in Milwaukee a bit cloudy, but I’m still excited to see what he can become. I mean, how can you not like a baseball player named Scooter? I can hear Joe Buck describing him as a “real” ballplayer already.