Total Re-Cole: Hamels Remembers How to Beat Miami, 4-0

The horrifying display Cole Hames put on last night took the pressure off the Phillies to perform like an adequate baseball team, allowing them to rely somewhat on the comically inept Marlins, rather than summon any amount of competence.

That’s not exactly fair, but neither is a baseball game for the Marlins in which the other team shows up.

It’s been 22 innings since somebody scored on Cole Hamels.  He gobbled up nine more shutout innings, adding to his league-leading total of 163.2 and getting everybody muttering to each other on the bus about his Cy Young contention, which we can all agree would be just as good as anything else the Phillies were supposed to accomplish this year.

Through nine innings of fish-centric gore, Cole allowed seven hits, took care of five Marlins himself, collected a base knock, worked out of several jams, and helped the yearly process of turning all the Miami sports headlines from how disappointing the Marlins are to how disappointing the Dolphins are going to be.

Meanwhile, the Phillies got so many people on base that they actually scored a few runs.  Chase Utley doubled the crap off Nathan Eovaldi in the third inning, then loaded the bases and watched John Mayberry try to ruin everything, but thankfully, Greg Dobbs dropped the easy grounder and Juan Pierre scored.  Pierre would triple in the fourth and score a not-even-in-scoring-position Jimmy Rollins, and with the bases loaded again three innings later, Erik Kratz popped a sac fly to center for the final bit of excitement offensively.

Forced to settle for a series of lucky breaks and hideous small ball, the Phillies never really got that hit at the right time.  Fortunately, using that time-tested formula of “put all of the pressure on the starting pitcher,” they pulled through and beat the worst team in the world.

When It All Went Right

There was something comforting about the way Greg Dobbs bobbled that grounder that scored Juan Pierre; as if, we could lose that game as much as we wanted… the Marlins would just lose it harder.  And with Cole Hamels on the mound

Most Attractive Play

In the third inning, Justin Ruggiano showed his ignorance of local custom by running on Erik Kratz and, well, got what he deserved.  He throws out everybody and then throws out their dreams.

Hero

Cole Hamels, for overcoming his crippling fear of Fish (0-3 with a 5.21 ERA against them this year) and not just getting past it, but breaking their spirits, kicking them while they’re down, and refusing to take his cleat off their throats as they gasped for air.

Villain

Giancarlo Stanton’s future in Major League Baseball is fairly certain, but his fear of Erik Kratz haunting the division for years to come became evident through his ridiculous over-the-shoulder running catch that robbed Kratz of extra bases.  Drama queen.