Chase Utley’s Next Location Mysteriously Revealed to Public
By Justin Klugh
Whether it was on purpose to achieve some greater plan, or accidentally slipped through the filters and some Phillies scout is being executed for the mistake already, Chase Utley’s position in the world has been revealed to us.
I know, right! Who would have thought it would turn out to be one of the four most predictable locations? Where we happen to have a minor league affiliate? But, these are the things Ruben and Chase like to keep from us and we get to sit here in our blogs and pretend it isn’t weird.
13 of his 20 rehab days have been used up, and Chase is being moved from recently destroyed Clearwater to Lehigh Valley to join the valiant IronPigs, who have spent most of 2012 watching their roster leap up to the Major League level, perform rather poorly, and then stay there, because all of the regular players are all broken.
Some have said that one home run, five RBI, and a .156 batting average isn’t really the astronomically phenomenal numbers we were expecting immediately from a second baseman who is a shadow o his former self. But those people can be easily pushed aside, into a closet or box, as we smile and continue to make vast, sweeping assumptions.
No, we’re not doctors. No, we’re not baseball players. No, we’re sometimes not even really competent fans. But if we know one thing, it’s that Chase Utley is going to fix everything so easily that we don’t even have to think about it.
But the really special thing to think about is that Lehigh Valley is one level below the actual Phillies, and Chase could be back with the team holy shit by this week.
What.
At which point, Chase will be the first player to travel back from the Dark Zone, indicating that it is in fact possible, and other players will begin to follow suit and also be effective immediately.
If I may take my manic dementia hat 0ff for a moment and place a hard helmet of reason on instead, let’s stop the madness and acknowledge that it will be nice just to see Chase Utley on the field again, wearing red pinstripes, hitting the ball hard, and generally making us nostalgic for a time when Michael Martinez wasn’t a part of the team.
Yes, I wear different hats depending on what sort of sentence I am writing. Now I’ve donned my ski mask of finality. Because this post is over.