A lot of people have been commenting on the spectacularly named prospects popping out of the draft. Storm Throne, Skye Bolt, John Bushyhead, and Torsten Boss somehow combine the classic old-timeyness of baseball with the frantic, bizarre colors and weather patterns of anime.
But the real fun is in the names of the horrible injuries befalling the Philadelphia Phillies!
Take for instance, the recently destroyed Freddy Galvis. His back has suffered a pars fracture somehow, which isn’t very fun to say, but this is also known as “Spondylolysis!”
I know what you’re thinking. “Wow! I remember beating Spondylolysis in Legend of Zelda!” But when Spondylolysis isn’t sounding like a monstrous, one-eyed spider-being, scuttling across the ceiling, it’s putting our charming, highly skilled young second basemen on the 15-day disabled list.
But obviously, the injury could keep him out for far longer because, you know, injuries don’t follow any human scheduling patterns. So if you were using Freddy Galvis as a buoy of fun in this sea of disdain that is 2012, prepare yourself for some horrific, undignified drowning. A 22-year-old, slick-fielding glovesmith filling in for our fallen All-Star at second was exactly what this season needed to not be a complete waste of everyone’s time.
Sadly, here we are, watching Mike Fontenot start at second to complete an unholy Mayberry-Fontenot-Rollins-Wigginton-or-maybe-Luna-and-hey-why-not-Thome infield. Which is excellent news for anyone who enjoys the first half of baseball movies, when the team sucks in such a charmingly incompetent manner that all it will take is a 14-year-old starting pitcher or a magic spell or a night in a haunted mansion to turn things around. Unfortunately, the Phillies are proving every day that it is less and less likely that a magic spell will help anything.