"DO SOMETHING! NO! SOMETHING ELSE!!!" Eric Hartline-US PRESSWIRE

Ryan Howard Update Probably Just as Demoralizing as You Figured

Ryan Howard is adrift at sea, quietly bouncing as the waves carry him nowhere.  The night sky glows from a monstrously full moon.  The water slurps at the sides of the vessel.  Across from him sits Scott Proefrock.  The deck of the tiny craft is just big enough for them to sit there and smell each other.

In the assistant GM’s hand is a rusty pistol; in the other, a satellite phone.  Ryan is slowly putting together the situation.  Either his achilles heals in a timely fashion… or Ruben Amaro calls that phone.

Is today that day.

“I don’t believe so.  I don’t think so.”

Ruben Amaro

We can’t blame Ryan, I’m sure he’s healing as fast as he can.  Or at least as fast as he can after being injected with Phillies Brand Official Healing Mixture (No longer causes immediate death!)

But, naturally, Ruben has banned him from speaking to us, and chooses to speak for his slugging first baseman himself.  It’s been about 36 hours and we need to know when Ryan is coming back again, and sadly, Ruben still doesn’t know again.  Now, at least, we’re able to rule out certain things, like “June.”  Which is nice, because we’re only just about to enter June, and it’ll be a relief knowing we won’t have to spend the whole month dragging answers out of Ruben Amaro every 36 hours.

We will, though.  All the time.  Because what if some minor thing that we didn’t think of happens?  We don’t think of things all the time.

Hey Ruben do you think Ryan could be back by the All St–

“I don’t know.”

–Ruben Amaro

Ahhh.  Yes, join me in a relaxing sigh of relief.  With this wealth of knowledge we’ve been blessed with from Ruben’s mouth, we won’t need to ask him anything for months!

But again, yes.  We will.

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