Phast Phive: Phailure

Hey, it’s Pat Burrell.  He’ll be coming to Philadelphia soon to retire as a Phillie.  Here he is throwing the first pitch out at a Giants game in San Francisco, not at all scanning the crowd with viciously amorous intentions

Yes, I realize there are only three of us supplying links this week, making the “Phive-ness” in the headline seem utterly pointless.  Well, one of our writers has gone to China for awhile, and the other has important matters to take care of than scouring the internet for interesting Philly-isms, somehow.  So I apologize for writing the first headline on the internet to not be accurate.

Justin Klugh

Not really sure how Michael Schwimer could be replaced on the roster by three different players, but I think that’s exactly what he wants us to think.  MICHAEL.  WE ARE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE RIGHT NOW.  PL… PLEASE STOP ALL OF… ALL OF THIS.  After the bullpen’s thunderously awful performance, again, it’s not hard to see why the Phillies are systematically dissecting it, or why Kyle Kendrick’s baseball card has been updated with a more accurate image courtesy of Zoo With Roy.

How bad has the bullpen been, you ask?  Well, I’m not really a numbers guy, so let’s just let Zolecki take point on this one.  Those are some shitty-looking numbers, guys.  Even I barely comprehend them. What I can read, however, are words, and this headline on Charlie’s Manuel really speaks loudly, as the latest in a long line of recent accuracy.

Ethan Seidel

One thing the Phillies aren’t doing that really helped them in years past is beating up on the division. Eric Seidman at Brotherly Glove breaks down the Phillies poor start in the division. Shoot, if we can’t beat the Mets how do we expect to contend for another division title?

One thing the Phillies have been good at is going after the opponent, hard. Ty Wigginton followed up Cole Hamels bean ball of Bryce Harper with a thunderous collision into Josh Thole of the Mets. Thole won’t be in the finale against the Phillies as the team put him on the 7-day disabled list. That’s right, MLB now has a 7-Day disabled list for really minor injuries. They tried to negotiate a 1-day disabled list for severe hangovers, but the owners squashed it.

John Stolnis

Things have gotten bad. Really bad. To the point that Peter Gammons has awoken from whatever deprivation tank he lives in to tweet this about the Phillies anemic offense. It’s not pretty, friends.

And now, the Phillies’ failures have caught national attention. Even our good friends in St. Louis are wondering what the crap is going on at Citizens Bank Park. And they’re eliciting the opinion of “experts.” That sound you hear is feet hitting the pavement after leaping off the five-year bandwagon.

Plus, Hardball Talk has exclusive video of Charlie Manuel’s rant to his team after Wednesday night’s 10-6 crapfest.

Finally, Manuel’s use of his bullpen over the last week has taken a hit, mainly because he’s refused to use Jonathan Papelbon in close games on the road, waiting to utilize him for a save situation that never arises. Many people think that’s dumb. The reason? Blame the save statistic.