Charlie Manuel Takes Deep Breath, Screams at Entire Baseball Team
By Justin Klugh
Yes, the Phillies are terrible. But they have a plan.
- Step 1: Option entire bullpen
- Step 2: Charlie Manuel yells at everyone
- Step 3: Call up most of AA affiliate to replace fragile, elderly starters
- Step 4: ???
- Step 5: Profits
- Step 6: Use profits to pay fragile, elderly starters for years to come
So you see? Shut down the internet, the Phillies have this under control.
How effective are closed door meetings? I know they’re supposed to be intimidating, fire-starting events that get the team going, but besides blowing off a little steam, what does Charlie hope to accomplish with this tactic? Especially when everybody knows it’s coming?
I remember getting reamed out in Little League.
“Stop trying to talk to girls while holding the runner on first!”
“It’s your fault for not investing in more durable rec-specs!”
“There is no crying in baseball! I DON’T CARE IF ‘YOU CAN SEE THE BONE!'”
“‘MASCOT’ IS NOT A POSITION! STOP ASKING TO PLAY IT!”
“You know, you guys remind me a lot of my own kids. When you’re all together, you’re more disappointing then you’d ever be separately. And I’m pretty sure one of you is a serial killer.”
It was never an ambush, but as we were picking up our equipment after a particularly debilitating loss, the familiar sound of a clipboard being smashed to pieces against a chain link fence would resonate, and we’d know we’d be summoned to the outfield grass so Coach could swear at us out of hearing range of our parents.
I guess closing the doors is the Major League equivalent of such a tactic. But I also remember coming to the next game after getting screamed at as a team. I don’t remember feeling more or less motivated. In fact, more than anything, it was the outside forces from baseball in my life that probably most effected my mood going into a game: Why couldn’t I beat that boss in Ocarina of Time? I wonder if my friends’ sister is coming to the game tonight? Should I talk to her about my Ocarina of Time problem?
Getting yelled at just made me resent the coach. Of course I was a preteen, so I was starting to resent everybody. Also I had paid a small registration fee to play, rather than being compensated for my time with millions of dollars.
What I’m saying is, there is no miraculous comeback to expect from this strategy. Based on their statements, the Phillies are aware of their performance and how much better it needs to be. And it’s not like Charlie can unite them against him at this point. He didn’t even call anybody out specifically as he has before, but apparently he looked at Kyle Kendrick a lot.
"“…I think he was talking to myself.”–Kyle Kendrick"
Kendrick’s paranoia aside, we have yet to see what result the meeting has. But I think the main one will be that it made Charlie a little late for the post game presser.