c/o sportsillustrated.cnn.com

Phillies Introduce Wrong-Looking Merchandise for St. Patrick's Day


You’ve definitely seen somebody wearing a Phillies hat, only green, and featuring a shamrock.  And you’ve definitely shoved your way through the subway and shouted at them, demanding answers until they fled off the train at the next stop.

I may not know everything about the Phillies, but I know the important stuff, like who is on the team, where the stadium is (well, I can ballpark it–pun intended so hard), and what color they where.  And I am 70% sure the Phillies are the red team, unless I’ve somehow been rooting for the wrong franchise since the early ’90s.  And that’s impossible.

Scott Rolen’s going to have an MVP season this year, guys.  I can feel it.

This year, with St. Patrick’s Day right around the corner, vomiting into an open sewer, the Phillies have once again put on display that transient gallery of lesser-known merchandise.  What makes the shamrock-fused versions so appealing?

Well, for starters, they’re better than the star-spangled banner editions of the logo used on patriotic holidays.  And I don’t say that because I hate America.  I say that because that version has been blatantly used on non-patriotic holidays, like Father’s Day.  Not that my father isn’t patriotic.  What’s your problem today?  Why are you trying to paint me as a traitor?  Do you have trust issues because of what Brad said?  You know he’s been hollowed out and reprogrammed by Screech the Eagle, right?  That’s why he lets out a blood-curdling, high pitched shriek every few minutes.

Why, the other day, he spent 45 minutes chasing a rabbit around the outfield grass, catching it, and ripping its head off in front of his teammates.  Then he quietly returned to the mound and resumed throwing drills.

He’s a changed man. Brad Barr-US PRESSWIRE

So, if St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday you celebrate–and let’s face it, your head isn’t stuck to a pillow the next morning for a reason besides your own vomit–and you’re a Phillies fan, maybe this is the year you indulge that little voice in your head, encouraging you to buy things?

“Yeah, do it.  Your fiancee hates it when you pay for dinner or dress nicely.  Why not drop a couple hundred dollars on holiday-themed sports memorabilia?  Also, kill your parents.”

–That Voice

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Tags: St. Patrick's Day