As we all listen on Florida State’s web site to the Phillies first Spring Training game while gazing at this glorious picture tweeted by David Hale, let us not forget about Ryan Howard’s hideously grotesque sports-related injury that is quickly becoming a scene from Saw III.
The Big Piece is suffering through a big piece of rotting flesh, as the sutures from surgery on his Achilles tendon became infected, possibly with kuru, the disease that causes zombies. “I don’t prefer to use that word. I know that’s the word everybody wants to use,” trainer Scott Sheridan said, referring to the word “setback,” not “kuru,” like the placement of his statement in this paragraph implied.
Though this is not a normal thing, Ryan’s tendon has remained in one piece, it is merely the wound that is swarming with infection. No word yet on how quickly the disease has spread throughout the Phillies clubhouse, creating a stumbling gaggle of undead, nightmarish creatures.
The threat of such a scenario should be enough for the Phillies to be considering amputation, if they haven’t gone through with it already. According to the seldom referenced “Zombie Apocalypse” clause in Ryan’s contract, the team does not have to consult their first baseman if they feel the removal of his body parts will prevent a global end of days.
“There will be some days where we just need to make sure that continues to heal and that we don’t really set ourselves up for any problems down the line.”
It’s great to see the Phillies taking such a pro active stance on preventing an infestation, but one has to wonder how the removal of a leg will effect Ryan Howard’s play at first base. Ryan prefers the “touching the base with one leg” method while receiving infield throws, so it has to be considered that his balance will be at least a bit altered. With a roster full of two-legged first baseman, this move may put Ryan’s job in jeopardy.