It has been two days since Kyle Kendrick was “awarded” a $7.5 million “contract extension” by the Philadelphia Phillies, and the curtain has yet to be pulled back, revealing a smirking Ruben Amaro and an overly enthusiastic Brett Myers clapping and laughing hysterically.
To some fans, it has gone on long enough.
“This isn’t funny,” says George Lang of Flourtown, PA. ”The longer it goes on, the longer Kendrick’s going to think its real, and then he’s going to get hurt. The guy’s probably so excited, all calling his parents to let them know he’s finally made it; all racing home to tell his wife the good news. This kind of thing can cut a man deep.”
Phillies GM Ruben Amaro has confirmed many times that the deal is genuine, but the length and amount of money involved has caused many Delaware Valley baseball fans to wonder not only about the Phillies, but about life in general.
“I kind of picture Kyle Kendrick clutching hundred dollar bills in his fists and rubbing them all over himself,” Lang, 42, admits. ”It’s sort of completely taken over my every thought. I haven’t satisfied my wife in years.”
Lang holds out hope, pointing out that it was not too long ago that Charlie Manuel, Ruben Amaro, and a handful of Phillies beat writers all conspired to shame Kendrick publicly for no real reason by convincing him he had been traded to a team in Japan. The video of their vicious bullying, orchestrated by then teammate and noted gigglepuss Brett Myers, has grown infamy amongst baseball fans across the internet.
“Come on, Kyle is not that bad,” pleads Phillies fan Andrew Carmack, 19, of Norristown. ”He’s filled every role they wanted him to and he’s done so under the shadow of all these aces. Every time he messes up, it gets blown up all over Twitter. The guy can’t catch a break! I can’t imagine how he’ll feel when it’s revealed that this deal was a hoax. If they drag it out much longer, like a week or two, it won’t even be that funny.”
A recent poll, however, concluded that should the extension turn out to be a prolonged joke, wasting the time and resources of many professionals, 67% of those surveyed admitted it would be “pretty funny.” 19% said “Come on, the guys got feelings.” 9% reported indifference on the matter. 5% said “This city has a pretty serious smog problem and we’re using media outlets to discuss sports jokes? Oh my god.”
Despite Kendrick’s usefulness and seeming competence, the fanbase will be waiting on edge for the next few days in case of a major reveal.
“Brett Myers does not play for this team anymore,” Ruben Amaro stressed, increasingly confused by any questions on the matter and gesturing toward a nearby USA Today. ”Check the damn roster if you don’t believe me.”