After several hours of deliberation, the Phillies decided that tonight’s game against the New York Mets will be played, even though it comes within the same day as a 5.8 earthquake and the satirical observations of those who experienced it.
Following several seconds of playful jostling, crowds of traumatized victims flocked to their nearest smart phone to try find solace in the tweets of strangers. Mass hysteria had already taken control, but the humorous, sarcastic messages that resulted from the quake’s victims brought smiles to the faces of those who moments before had suffered through the worst earthquake of their lives.
According to Twitter sources, to blame for the quake are mostly fat people, followed by ‘epic farts’ and ‘Mother Nature’s vibrator.’
Actual questions about the event were played off as overzealous concern, making way for the humor to fly fast and loose. Issues such as Will and Jada Smith’s breakup and the confirmation of Muammar Qaddafi’s son not being captured by Libyan rebels took a temporary back seat to allow sports bloggers their precious, life-giving jokes.
“Honestly, two seconds after I realized what going on, I lept toward my computer to start writing down Prince Fielder jokes,” said one blogger. “I tripped over an ottoman and split my head open. Fucking Fielder. Hey here’s a good one–’Don’t worry everybody, Prince Fielder just fell out of bed!’ Ha! Right? Because he is so fat, you see.”
Eventually, the jokes died down and the Mayor of Philadelphia restored order, but the veritable “open mic night” of natural disasters will long be considered a legendary saga in the nation’s Twitter circles.
“God, at one point, somebody said something… it was like Andy Reid was like, I forget… walking his dog… anyway, it was hilarious,” one blogger reminisced. “Because Andy Reid is a big fat guy, who you could see shaking the ground when he walks. From his fatness.”
The hilarity continued well past 4:00 pm EST, at which point west coast residents began complaining about the relatively weak nature of the quake and the seemingly strong overreactions to it. Fortunately, east coast bloggers once again came through in the clutch, countering that west coasters would very well “shit their pants” in response to cold, wintry weather, given that their warmer biome does not normally allow the temperatures or precipitation often encountered on the east coast from November to March.
Without provocation, the Phillies assured everyone that tonight’s game would be played normally, despite zero damage to the stadium.