It may seem like a net loss, seeing as how Shane is out of the lineup tonight and Friday in Washington, but the truth of the matter is that he actually won!
He won a little game called “The MLB Suspension System,” which often includes a player being correctly/incorrectly/nonsensically reprimanded for his actions in a brawl/drug scandal/accurate protest of an umpire’s buffoonery. The player then appeals the decision, made by old men in a room far away several days later, and more often than not, sees his sentence reduced because of fairness/nothing at all/who knows its just always been like this.
Granted, he still has to sit out two games, but given that the suspension used to be three games, this is a glorious day for the city of Philadelphia!
Ramon Ramirez, who quietly delicately tried to put a baseball in between two fragments of Shane’s lower vertebrate during our series in San Francisco, hasn’t at all appealed his zero-day suspension for starting the brawl. Eli Whiteside, whose actions in the fracas were limited to seeking comfort in Placido Polanco’s legs, has begun serving his lifetime ban from being a respectable baseball player. Polanco is reported to have paid his fine after repeatedly reminding Major League Baseball that he had in fact been fined, despite no video evidence for having been so.
Meanwhile, the Phillies you won’t see in the lineup tonight are Ryan Howard (hand thing), Carlos Ruiz (nutshot), and of course Shane (threw self into San Francisco Giants’ hitting instructor–yes, apparently one exists).
So, let us turn our Victorino, Howard, and Chooch figurines around to face the wall tonight, as is tradition.