Most Other Phillies Draft Picks Realize What’s Good for Them

I once had a dream I sat across from Ruben Amaro at a negotiation.

We were deciding on a contract extension.  In my early twenties and with no discernible skills, I was naturally demanding five more years, $10 million each, with a no-trade clause.  Ruben said the clause was unnecessary because nobody would want me anyway.  He told me he didn’t even know what position I played.

I suddenly couldn’t recall either, and just tried to gloss over the absence of any leverage by laughing hysterically.  This was going perfectly.

He nodded at an underling standing behind him–might’ve been a terribly aged Calvin Maduro–and the guy slid a piece of paper across the table with their offer as Ruben dicked around on his Blackberry.  I turned it over, only to discover the words “Go fuck yourself.”

“Okay,” I replied.  “Two million, plus I fuck myself.”

But they were gone.

I can’t imagine engaging in this sort of thing in real life, so congratulations to the 30 of the 51 Phillies draft picks who signed with the team and are as of right now under the belief that it happened because they wanted it to and not because Ruben has envisioned the very moment of their signing for the last three years as part of a master plan spanning the cosmos.

Larry Greene went first, followed by the others, including infielder Roman Quinn and outfielder Jonathan Knight.  At 18, Knight took particular satisfaction in signing the contract, knowing it scorned all those who never believed in him.

"“A lot of people didn’t believe I could accomplish this and it gives me a lot of satisfaction to prove them wrong.”–Jonathan Knight"

After everybody claiming that Phils-Giants series wasn’t based on anything but the here-and-now, it’s nice to bring some outwardly aggressive talent into the system with a black heart full of revenge.  Proving time is cyclical, the Phillies also signed Tyler Greene, who will be a shortstop and not a below average pitcher this time around.

MLB suggests an average $129,000 signing bonus to draft picks in this scenario, but Ruben went ahead and forked over $1,000,000 (Larry Greene), $800,000 (Mitch Walding, a SS from California), $775,000 (Quinn), and $375,000 (Tyler Greene) because fuck it, let’s blow some minds.

I might offer some advice to these teenagers and have them opt out of any “Fucking Oneself” clause that may or may not be snuck into their contracts.