In the second reference to link a Phillies starting pitcher with death this week, nobody seems to be worried that Cole Hamels’ arm seems to be going through a phase where it is “dead.” No word yet on if this was related to his hosting the after party of a jewelry exhibition.
“Sometimes it happens early, sometimes it happens in the middle, late … depending on the weather, the temperature, the schedule, how many games, innings, it just kind of happens,” Cole explained to a suspicious gathering of reporters, who asked him to specify whether he was talking about his arm or the “Diamonds and Denim Official After Party, hosted by the Spring Garden Social Club.”
Hamels remaine din good spirits, even when Charlie Manuel and Rich Dubee held a hushed, private meeting in the open doorway of the manager’s office, only to look around suspiciously and slam the door shut when Hamels would look over.
“Of course there’s such a thing as a ‘dead arm period’ during the season,” Dubee explained. “If there wasn’t, then why would we tell Cole that’s probably what happened to him out there [during a 4-2 loss to the Washington Nationals Friday]? Because he was in tears after the game and it was the only thing we could come up with to get him to stop? Please. The man’s a professional athlete. He hardly ever stumbles in here after a loss, sniffling quietly and manically texting his wife.”
When informed that by making such specific remarks unprovoked, Dubee sounded like he was guilty of something, the Phillies pitching coach grabbed the nearest audio recorder and in a disturbing calm muttered, “I’d like to see you prove it,” before subtlety gesturing to a firearm in his waistband that somehow no one had noticed before.
Despite the news and the loss, Hamels seemed confident that he could overcome the very slight setback with a “relaxing night at home away from the cheap jokes and cliche stereotypes of the media,” a highly meta and self-referential comment that made everybody feel terrible. “After all, I’m having a spectacular season. Who would have thought in 2009 that I’d by a Cy Young candidate on the best pitching staff in the Majors?”
When asked if the condition could be attributed to “acute girliness” in accumulating his left shoulder, Cole called the press corps a bunch of sluts and ate ice cream right out of the carton.