By now, you’ve heard. Blameless victim Ramon Ramirez and American hero Eli Whiteside have been awarded fines for their actions in a brawl that erupted in game two of the Giants series, while human scum Shane Victorino was sentenced to three days without the game he loves.
A quick breakdown of the incident follows.
0:02: Ramon Ramirez innocently drills Shane Victorino in the back with a fastball that just got away from him.
0:04: Shane, already completely without control, hurls his bat to the ground while Eli Whiteside tries to figure out what’s going on.
0:07: Whiteside naturally begins to hop up and down in an attempt to quell Shane’s Hawaiian thunder; but he is not having it. Upon closer review, it can be clearly seen that Whiteside is pleading with Shane to calm down and that it’s just a game; but Shane refuses, and makes a disparaging, highly profane remark about Whiteside’s mother, who is a saint.
0:09: Realizing Shane is far too evil to redeem himself, Whiteside gives up on him and tries to give an advancing Placido Polanco a hug, but trips, and succeeds in only lovingly embracing Polanco’s legs. Polanco, confused, is immediately fined by MLB.
0:15: The Phillies run out onto the field to begin a soulless murder spree and the Giants run out to give them compliments. This fails and the teams clash in the infield. Brian Wilson, confused as to why the cameras aren’t on him while he does a wacky thing, sprints toward the fray in hopes of getting attention for the lobster he just shoved down his pants. Tom McCarthy deduces that this is “not good.”
0:40: Sportswriters all over the country silently fist pump as they get to undoubtedly use the word “fracas” for the first time this season.
0:44: Greg Gross’ attempt to steal Shane Victorino’s jersey fails as Shane scampers away and hides in the fracas. Shouting that “this is what I’m going to do to your mother,” Shane assaults Hensley Meulens. Watching from his omnipotent position above, Joe Torre absorbs and remembers everything exactly how it happened.
1:04: The Phillies and Giants give up on the brawl and now try to mush together hard enough to create a tertiary color.
2:18: Roy Oswalt has a private laugh, remembering that one time he fought a bunch of guys who had insulted his favorite brand of bowhunting gear.
2:26 Orlando Cabrera decides it’s not too early to start cracking jokes about the incident. None of his teammates choose to look him in the eye.
I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right: It’s hard to believe Shane Victorino was raised by anybody but a pack of particularly vicious Hawaiian dogs after his behavior in the second game of the Giants series. What a monster.
But it turns out Shane was actually reared by a couple of stand-up folks, who proved their distance from their horrendous spawn by being awarded the 2011 Little League Parents of the Year award. For this honor, they will be given breakfast at the Little League World Series in Williamsport later this month. Sad, then, that they were forced to receive the information about their son’s sudden outburst against the sweet, innocent, scrappy, underdog Giants the day they were awarded for their charity.