Have you ever startled a deer in the woods?
Have you ever startled a deer in the woods, then watched that same deer score the winning run in an extra-innings baseball game?
I did once, but that’s what you get for playing Little League baseball in the middle of the woods in rural Pennsylvania.
Hunter Pence, with his body being mostly limbs, his run being somewhat of an enthusiastic gallop, and his eyes being oft-alight with the sudden spark of victory, has quickly become everybody’s favorite guy. This is normal. Every new player encounters a romantic period of endearment with Phillies fans. For some, like Hunter, it is immediate. For others, like Michael Martinez, it is dragged out for months, and then you think it has happened, but then he doesn’t score on an easy play, and then we have to wait another month or so for him to accidentally hit a home run at Citi Field.
The Phillies know this by now, and have tacked on the above contest to their home page. How long has that Phillies jersey even been authentic? Three days? And it’s not like he used it to wipe off Chase Utley’s brow or anything.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don’t walk away! I didn’t say I didn’t want it. Give… give it to me. Now.
What do I have to do? “Like” something on Facebook? All right, all right, I’m doing it. OKAY, I’LL DO IT FASTER. Look, I did it. Just… I want it.
FUCKING GIVE IT TO ME.