Other Broadcasters to Never be Immortalized with Statues

On August 14, the Phillies will unveil the Harry Kalas statue that, if given a microphone, would instantly become our best broadcaster.  Here’s a look at why our other announcers and analysts may not be getting the same treatment.

Richie Ashburn

Whitey may not have had much to say for innings at a time, but I think Citizens Bank Park could really benefit from a statue of him kicking somebody in the balls for suggesting a sac bunt.

Chris Wheeler

It may make the most sense to have Wheels featured in a stature with Whitey, getting verbally abused.  But in a contemporary setting, he’d most likely be immortalized in his most common environment: a broadcast booth, seconds away from an incorrect Dodge Stump the Fans trivia question.  Or maybe a live feed from Twitter following every statement he makes involving the words “neat,” “stuff,” and “nasty.”

Scott Franzke

Again, I’m only now realizing how many of these statues would have to be in tandem with others.  For instance, would Franzke even be recognizable without looking inquisitively at Larry Andersen?  Not an accusatory glance, just a whimsical stare with a crooked smile as LA falls asleep or takes his chair apart in mid-broadcast or lets everyone know the volume and degree of drugs he consumed in college, unprovoked.

How you capture that in a statue, I don’t know, but I’m not a… guy.  A statuist.

The point is, Scott’s an animal-lover.  That, combined with the adoration of Phillies fans, should result in a statue of Scott on one knee, welcoming the affections of ten or twenty friendly, aesthetically pleasing dogs.

Larry Andersen

Like many people in the Phillies organization, Larry got here by scorning the Houston Astros.  I feel like I discussed Larry’s possible poses at length in the last paragraph, so perhaps the best possible model here is LA and Franzke performing an epic high-five while accepting their second consecutive Best Live Sports Event Coverage award from the Philadelphia Achievement in Radio Awards.

Tom McCarthy

Did you know TMac’s got, like, a bunch of broadcasting awards.  That just seems so mean that people would give him so many as a joke.  Its like, once, maybe twice would be funny, but when it becomes a routine, it loses the surprise factor, and just becomes open hostility.

I picture Tom’s statue just being of him, standing there, arms at his side, shoulders up like he’s shrugging (but that’s just where they are), smiling for an invisible camera.  Wait.  No.  That’s the real Tom McCarthy.  Huh.  Apparently he’s willing to just stand still in that spot, forever.

Gary Matthews

I’ve actually never seen Sarge with his mouth closed, and neither have you.  Think about it.  That time you’re remembering?  Yeah.  Didn’t happen.

Sarge’s hobbies include “…being along later” and the occasional oddly-placed morbid comment.  This season alone, he’s suggested that anyone who wants Willie Mays’ autograph “better hurry,” and wondered aloud if Raul Ibanez had considered killing himself with a razor while in a hitting slump during a post game interview with Raul Ibanez.

Maybe the best way to immortalize Sarge is to feature figures of Tom McCarthy and Wheels seated in front of a TV camera, with a third empty chair beside them.