Highly Biased Phillies Reading Contest Once Again Selects Child as Winner

The Phillies gave out their Most Outstanding Reader award again, and once again it fell into the hands of a child.

“You’re never going to win it,” they said to me, as I put aside work, friends, and two fairly notable family emergencies (my absence at which “…won’t be forgotten.”) to stay nose-deep in some “Redwall” books.

And it turned out I didn’t, because I “didn’t have a teacher to nominate me” and “…have been told, hundreds of times, that it is a contest solely for school children.”  So because of their “rules,” somebody else walked away with a Phillies Shane Victorino backpack, a Phanatic T-shirt, Phanatic doll, a book, and tickets to a game.

As if a grown man in his twenties wouldn’t be interested in a Shane Victorino backpack.  The man is our biggest offensive contributor right now.  You think a child knows what his OPS his?  Probably, I guess.  Children can read.  But they don’t all get on the internet and talk about it constantly!  Though I guess they could be.  I haven’t spoken to a child since I was one.

Regardless, I could keep all kinds of shit in that backpack.  Pencils.  Whichever two of my Phanatic plush toys I’m into on a given day.  Money.  Adult stuff.  And I mean like car keys or insurance forms, not porn.

So, it looks like I’ll be waiting until next year to try and capture the sweet, sweet prizes that continued to elude me in 2011.  Of course I could just buy the prizes with my adult money.  But I don’t have a Shane Victorino backpack to keep my money in so I don’t even know where it is.