Series 6-Pack: “Edwin is so cute when he’s dumb. Which is often.”

Michael Jong is planning a jewel heist or something, so the spot that’s usually filled by his razors sharp fish-isms is being filled by the Marlin-world incarnation of Zoo With Roy, I Want to Go to the Strip Club with Mike Stanton.  Which is, like ZWR, exactly what it sounds like.  Unlike, ZWR its about a strip club.

1.  Respected Phillies auteur Chris Jones once insinuated that new Marlins hitting coach Eduardo Perez sounds like he’s talking with a mouthful of marbles.  How will this hinder his attempts to communicate with the Marlins’ lineup?  I imagine the first meeting ending with him spitting a ton and then accidentally choking to death while the team watches in horrified silence.

I’d have liked to see them hire a hitting coach who only spoke Mandarin Chinese. He’d probably be just as important to the team.  Also, if everything you just said were true and actually wound up happening that way, I think I’d still be more surprised that someone actually knew who Eduardo Perez was. Wikipedia barely knows him.

2.  So Logan Morrison met his wife on eHarmony.  Do you think maybe he’d have more time to go out and meet people if he wasn’t on Twitter all the god damn time? [EDITOR’S NOTE:  He also plays baseball, occasionally.]

It’s weird because Logan Morrison is only endearing because of Twitter. If he weren’t @LoMoMarlins, you’d probably see him on a baseball field and just assume he was the biggest dick in the world. Just has that look to him, the dumb-asshole-jock-you-wanna-punch-in-the-dick look. Twitter seems to have that power. So, no, I think LoMo needs Twitter for people to like
him the way I needed AIM in high school to get girls to date me.

3.  Edwin Rodriguez said in the wake of John Mallee’s firing, “If we keep losing, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I don’t worry about that.”  Why doesn’t Edwin Rodriguez know what happens to a team that keeps losing?

Edwin is so cute when he’s dumb. Which is often. Before the season, he said something about the team learning how to win close games, as if winning one-run games is a skill you can teach a baseball player.  He strikes me as the kind of guy who still believes in unicorns. And that J-Woww’s boobs are real. And bunting. He doesn’t really look like a manager of a professional baseball team, does he?

If I pulled five old Spanish men off the streets of Miami and put them all in Marlins jerseys next to Edwin Rodriguez, you’d have about a 3% chance of picking out the real Edwin. 1.337% if I let them all give their views on baseball strategy.

4.  Which Marlins Super Saturday concert will you be attending this year; the Brightly Colored Circus Orgy or Hair Gel Tough Guy Brigade?  The Marlins website reminds us, “Space is limited so order today!”  Why is space limited at a Marlins home game?  Are the Heat playing afterward, too?

True story: June 7, 2008. The Marlins blow a lead late in the game.  Cody Ross hits a walk-off homer in the bottom of the ninth. The entire place is going fucking bananas. Less than fifteen minutes later, 17,000 fans are sitting motionless, waving lighters and cell phones, listening to Willy Chirino belt out Spanish love songs. So surreal.  They should just rename it Marlins Super Sadness Saturday. (Though, I did see Joan Jett there once. Still pretty hot for a 50 year old.)

5.  Will Heat fans, now brokenhearted and vulnerable, turn to the Marlins for some sort of professional-sports-rebound-fling? And will the Marlins offer a comfortable set of shoulders to cry on, or will they sneak out before the alarm clock goes off in the morning?

I think Heat fans will just go back to doing whatever it is they were doing on nights when the Heat wasn’t playing this year. So, basically, wearing Affliction t-shirts and drinking Muscle Milk.

6.  Is moving Hanley Ramirez to the lead off spot going to improve his hitting?  Or at this point are they just trying to get his AB out of the way faster?

As bad as Hanley’s been, the Marlins offense has been dreadful without him. Sure, it’s probably just coincidence, but I never thought I’d see the day where I was begging to get a .210 hitter with a frying pan for a glove back in the lineup.