We may be facing the Reds at the best possible time; fresh off consecutive sweeps by the Pirates and Indians, they will be emotionally compromised and, let’s face it, unable to stop themselves from crying.
1. What’s it like to have the hallowed Ohio Cup stripped out of your grasp this year? As an award only two teams are even eligible to win, I imagine it is an irrecoverable decimation.
There’s still three games left, you big dummy.
2. Seems like Brandon Phillips is doing a lot more appearances at children’s baseball games than mouthing off and being a dick this year. What’s going on there?
Wanna know what’s so funny? Phillips has appeared at children’s baseball games ever since he’s gotten here. Even helped build places for kids to play baseball. Some people have decided it’s better drama to focus on his “whiny little bitches” line more. But I’ve never heard BP ever utter a lie either…
3. So what is the appeal of Jonny Gomes starting in left instead of DH? Any? Wouldn’t it help team morale to lock him in a bus?
Are you serious? Lock Jonny Gomes in a bus? A bus cannot contain Jonny Gomes.
4. How anxious did it seem the media had to be to use the “Cuban Missile Crisis” headline for an instance when Aroldis Chapman dealt with an injury?
I don’t think they were anxious, just a little bit unoriginal. Like the world has never heard that one before.
5. What tactics are the Dayton Dragons employing to not lose Tucker Barnhart in a corn field?
So you assume since Dayton plays in the Midwest League, there’s corn fields there. And even if there were corn fields there, they would be made into corn mazes. You get a map for those. Jeez. *rolls eyes* [EDITOR'S NOTE: This was actually a joke about Barnhart being comically short for a catcher (5'8"). The corn/midwest thing I didn't realize until just now, but it makes the joke work on two levels. Also the word 'barn' is in his last name. I'll be adding "Master Humorist" to my resume later this afternoon.]
6. Jay Bruce seems like a pretty decent human being. What terrible secrets can we expect to be revealed about him in the coming years?
They say everyone has skeletons in their closet, right? I’m thinking we may hear that Jay turned down a chance to be The Bachelor. That might be the worst. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Studio audience goes 'Woooooooooo!']
1. What is the level of excitement with the return of Chase Utley?
I… guess I could fill the rest of this space with exclamation points, but that doesn’t seem very constructive, so I’ll give you this one and you can take it as a stifled yipe of suppressed joy:
I’d just like to point out that we’re not delusional here; most people are completely aware that Chase is going to be eased in and may take a while longer to get adjusted and all that.
BUT DID YOU SEE HIM IN THE DUGOUT TODAY WHEN ALL OF THE OTHER GUYS WERE SLAPPING HIM ON THE SHOULDER AND TALKING AND LAUGHING WITH HIM THEY ARE SO GLAD TO FINALLY ALL BE BACK TOGETHER ITS SO NICE TO KNOW THEY’RE ALL BEST FRIENDS LIKE WE FANTASIZE THEY ARE
Sorry for screaming.
2. Ryan Howard is in a funk. On the ol’ panic meter of 1-10, where does this register?
DUDE CHASE UTLEY IS COMING BACK WHAT THE HELL IS A RYAN HOWARD
3. I read where the Phillies signed Scott Podsednik to a minor league deal. Is this a sign that Shane Victorino’s injury is more severe than originally believed or more of a back-up plan?
We signed Podsednik? Huh. Wow, yeah, we did. That kind of scares me, I guess. Nice one, Steve. I’ll go to bed with head full of night terrors once more. Just when the meds were kicking in. Thanks a lot.
On the other hand, we could just be stockpiling depth for a weak outfield. I like a Brown-Victorinio-Mayberry outfield, though. I also like going to bed without night terrors. How many lives must you ruin with these questions?
4. Should we deem that Cliff Lee is back after his last outing against the Rangers since he struggled in his previous game against St. Louis?
If you want to be one of those guys whose going around deeming things every 45 minutes, enjoy your sudden and decisive lifestyle. As Cliff and I have decided via a series of points and winks through the television, he’ll be letting me me know first about whether he’s “back” or still only suffering in the throws of “mildly spectacular.” Then I’ll let you know. Until then, I have no interest in jumping to conclusions very time I turn on the TV and ESPN is trying to fill two minutes.
5. I get the feeling that Ryan Madson is building a lot of confidence in his role of being the closer. What about the fanbase?
If the explosive cheers from a grateful stadium are any indication, I think he’s passed our tests. The distress Ryan would face in previous attempts to close was a very small sample size, but with every mention, it seemed to get bigger. Eventually, the loose lips of the uneducated stretched the experience into full blown incompetence. Dude’s lights out.
6. Be honest, you really want Kyle Kendrick to pitch in the second game of this series, don’t you?
This interview is over.