Seattle Police Crack the Case of the Missing Kyle Kendrick’s Stuff

The relentless bog of the Pacific Northwest is usually reserved for long form narrative television shows about murdered young girls.  If you look at the soggy, slate gray landscape long enough, you’ll just see a crime scene spanning hundreds of miles.  “Welcome to Washington; Don’t Touch Anything, We’re Still Checking for Prints.”

Only this time, instead of a teenager surrounded by potential culprits, the murder victim was Kyle Kendrick’s World Series Ring.  For months, millions mourned the loss, praying that perhaps the discovery of the body would bring some sort of closure to the tragedy.

What those people failed to realize, however, was that Kyle Kendrick’s pitching is a tragedy that can never end.

On the plus side, if you’re  the kind of person who is comfortable with Kendrick having a World Series Ring, Seattle police did track down the corpse.  They dragged it out of a swamp two days ago, amidst the manic snap of a media maelstrom and sobbing relatives gathered close by in a prayer circle.

It was finally over.

A routine traffic stop had led to the discovery of Kyle’s other belongings; his childhood gloves, his various appliances, his Ken Griffey Jr. poster.  All of those items that when listed sound like we are describing the belongings of a 12-year-old in 1992.

But the one thing in his collection that Kyle’s mother wasn’t always sighing in frustration at finding in the pockets of his jean shorts, just before tossing them in the washing machine, was the jewel-encrusted proof that Kyle had done something correctly on a baseball field once.

Ironic, then, that the Ring was found on a night when Kyle seemed intent to prove how foreign it would look on his finger.

As Tony has already described to us, in what reads like an entry in the war diary of a shellshocked para-trooper, Jason Giambi pounded his way through Kendrick’s spot start, and didn’t even let up when we replaced him with Danys Baez.  He may have compiled some scoreless relief appearances he and there, but as long as the Phillies continue to feel confident giving Kyle Kendrick starting opportunities, even infrequently, well… you reap what you sow.

Meanwhile, up in the bog, the Seattle PD is not sure how to proceed with the guy who led them to the Ring’s hiding place in the swamp.

"“The man has not been arrested… and the investigation is ongoing.”"

If I watched Kendrick last night, the remote in one hand, the World Series Ring in the other, I wouldn’t be sure if the guy who took it was truly a villain either.