Series 6-Pack: I HATE SNAKES, JOCK. I HATE ‘UM.

Did you know that there is a young player in the Diamondbacks’ farm system named “Adam Eaton”?  Apparently he’s not an overpaid fourth starter whose “Ruining Everything per nine innings” numbers break records with every appearance.

Cursed names aside, the Phillies storm into Chase Field after eviscerating the Padres just to the left.  Have the Snakes spent the last few days quivering in horrified anticipation of the contest?  Our sources say yes.  But remember, our sources are me.  A better source would probably be Scott Allen of Venom Strikes, who fills in the gaps of knowledge left in the wake of my extreme bias.

1.  Miguel Montero said recently, “The Phillies have the best rotation in the game, definitely. But you really don’t care because they’re human beings, too.”  Why doesn’t Miguel Montero care about human beings?  Is he just a monster?

Well, I’m sure Miguel Montero cares about human beings.  His English is still somewhat broken, so you’ll have to excuse him.  I just care that he stops playing like he did a couple of years ago when the jury was still out on him.  He started out great but has really seen his production drop off the past several days.

2.  The Diamondbacks lineup is like an M.C. Escher painting.  Just when I think its something, its something else.  Why does Kirk Gibson enjoy toying with his players’ emotions via their roles in the lineup, like a… like a painting.  I guess.

I’d be a millionaire if I could answer this one with any degree of certainty.  The Arizona Diamondbacks pitching staff could be one of the hardest staff’s to ever describe.  You’re right though, as soon as you think you got one thing, you got another and it changes every single day.  It’s rather maddening to be honest.

3.  Does it sting to hear Dan Haren explain his success with the Angels is based solely on the fact that he doesn’t play for the Diamondbacks anymore, saying, “I wasn’t playing on the greatest team in Arizona”?  Follow-up:  Does Dan Haren think there is more than one baseball team in Arizona?

That is actually the first time I’ve heard that.  He is right, the Dbacks were far from the best team and I’m sure that’s what he meant.  However, if there is another team in Arizona, I’m all for giving them a try.  The current Dbacks seem to be going nowhere fast.

4.  Would you say Dbacks president and CEO Derrick Hall’s proclamation that “I think we will definitely surpass last year’s totals in Anaheim” in regards to the 2011 All-Star game is a response to Dan Haren’s comment?  Or is this melodrama being made up by me, right now?  And will the ASG be the most high profile game played in Chase Field this year?

No and yes, I think you are just trying to stir the pot, but I like it.  Why not, it keeps things interesting.  As for the All-Star Game, unless a miracle happens or Randy Johnson has his number surprisingly retired by the Dbacks sometime this season, yes this will be the highest profile game at Chase Field this season.

5.  Kirk Gibson’s pilot license hasn’t been renewed since 1985. Does this indicate a pattern of giving up on his part?

Haha.  Well, that’s a bit of a stretch, but I see where you are going.  I don’t think Gibson will ever give up on this team.  I can see the Dbacks giving up on him though if the season goes down the crapper as quickly as 2010 did.

6.  What the hell is Racing Gracie and why the hell did they make a bobble head out of it.

All part of the new Legends race they do in the sixth inning of every game.  They have four Dbacks “legends” race.  It’s a lot like the sausage races in Milwaukee.  Except these are four goofy looking life size mascots of Matt Williams, Luis Gonzalez, Randy Johnson, and Mark Grace.  It started last July and the inside joke is Gracie never wins.  He is the only player not to win yet.  So, they’ve done the next best thing, created a bobblehead night for him.  God I hate bobblehead nights.  People go loco man.

1. Is it a forgone conclusion that the Phillies are going to win the NL East?

I mean, you know.  No.  I could go as broad as “there are no foregone conclusions in baseball” and I can go as specific as “What’s the point?  Kyle Kendrick will just find a way to ruin everything.”  But the truth is, and maybe its hard to tell just now, but we do play in a competitive division.

Granted, there are only three competitive teams in it, but they’re all gamers and they all hate each other.  At least the fans do.  The players are remarkably personable, I’ve found.  Especially the Braves.  Those bitches.

2.What the heck is wrong with Cliff Lee?  He’s killing me on fantasy.  Follow-up:  Should he have opted to go to New York instead?

I’ll tell you what’s right with Cliff Lee:  He could give a shit about your fantasy team.

3. Is Philadelphia still upset over losing the #5 spot as the largest city in the US to Phoenix a few years back (they have subsequently got it back) or is it all water under the bridge at this point seeing as Philly has a great MLB team and Phoenix has a pretty good AAA team.

I was not aware of any of these facts, but I am immediately enraged by them.

4. Who wins this MMA matchup: Philly Phanatic vs. Swoop.

Swoop can’t actually fly, so as far as eagles go, he’s a living joke.  The Phanatic could run him down on an ATV and fire a hot dog from his hot dog cannon through his brain at 900 mph.  There’s a reason he only shoots it into the upper deck.

5. Who is the most underrated player on the current Phillies Roster?

Roy Oswalt, is the most underrated of the four aces.  Joe Blanton is underrated in general  (maybe I just want him to be good enough to be underrated), and offensively Placido Polanco is only currently being given credit for his ability to hit and hit and hit and hit and hit the shit out of everybody.

Also Pete Orr is destined to have the words “Professional Hero” etched next to his name.  I predict.

6. Is there anyone down on the farm about to breakout as the next Phillies superstar that we should all be on the lookout for?

I’m going to shout some names at you:  Scott Mathieson!  Vance Worley!  Michael Stutes!  Jonathan Singleton!  Matt Rizzotti!

The first three are all guys you could see in the bullpen this year because guys like Kendrick, Danys Baez, and David Herndon are living on borrowed horrible performances.  Mathieson is a guy with two Tommy Johns in his past who can flamethrow with the best of them–if he’s not on the big club soon he’s going to ask to be somewhere else.  Worley is a capable alternative to Kendrick, and he wears goggles so he’s quirky.  Stutes is an even younger guy who wowed a bunch of beat writers this spring until they wrote flowery prose about him; he became one of their “big stories of the spring” and helped sell newspapers and probably made them feel young again or something.

Singleton is Ryan Howard, Jr. who is currently being shifted from 1B to left field because Ryan Howard Sr. will be blocking him for the next 11,000 years.  And Rizzotti is an older, more developed offensive 1B who faces the same problem and I have a soft spot for because he is just a bat without a home.  Both of these guys wept (along with the rest of Philadelphia) the day Howard got that extension.  I can’t believe Rizzotti hasn’t been traded yet.  Also I may be spelling his name wrong.

UPDATE:  Michael Stutes was just promoted because Jose Contreras has exploded.  See?  You just automatically get flowery when writing about him.