Series 6-Pack: Federal Offenses

The Nationals think they’re so great with their sustainable ballpark practices and their right fielder with a ridiculous beard.  YOU LEARN TO SHAVE YOU HOOLIGAN.  Out there with your facial hair charmingly billowing in the capitol breeze as if you’re some kind of awesome guy.

Clearly, the upcoming Nationals series is hauling a subplot or two in its wake, so Drew Kinback of Nationals Inquisition was kind enough to answer the questions I shouted through his living room window.  Due to time constraints, I had to interview myself for the last six questions.

1.  Nyjer Morgan recently said of Milwaukee, “It feels good to be in a baseball city.”  How badly do insults sting when spouted from the mouth of a crazy person?More importantly, how do you feel about Milwaukee being referred to as “a city?”

I’m not a regular visitor, but of course “”mill-e-wah-que” has had it’s share of visitors…do I get points for answering with a ‘Waynes World’ reference?

Honestly, no one in Natstown seriously cares what Nyjer Morgan has to say. He no longer wears the uniform and that really is his own fault. I doubt anyone in D.C. would disagree that he had every opportunity to win a job and right himself after a couple of breakdowns in 2010. He talks a cocky .474 now, but give him a bit. He’ll fall back to earth.

Pittsburgh and Washington fans know this. We were in that boat. We keep warning Brewers fans it is going to sink, but sometimes we have to learn things the hard way. I still can’t believe the Nats were able to trade him.

2.  Would you say that Bryce Harper’s description of facing a fastball (It just “looks like a balloon” to him) is evident of a phenomenal hitting prospect or a debilitating vision problem?  How much do his success/failures affect the overall mood of your region?

Bryce Harper was bred to play baseball. I spent 30 days down in Florida following the team through Spring Training and saw this kid almost every day. He is absolutely the real deal. Harper just knows how to grind and mash. Last season the other NL East teams got a taste of fear when going up against Stephen Strasburg– they are going to crap their jock when Harper gets up to the Bigs.

Washington is going to love Harper, opponents are going to hate him. Sort of like Chase Utley. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Just look into his eyes for five seconds and tell me you can’t see the stars]

3. “I want Stephen to go on, never have my name brought up and have a great career. I had a great career. I had fun, had a great seven years, and it’s sad for me that people still associate me with him. There should be no association with him.”

–Ron Dibble

What will it take for people to stop associating Ron Dibble with Stephen Strasburg?  I mean, they’re basically the same person.

Oh, most definitely Stephen Strasburg and Rob Dibble are the same person– in Rob Dibble’s mind.

It is kind of sad. Rob Dibble has become the Charlie Sheen of the Washington Nationals. He just says some absolutely wild stuff and you just can’t turn away, you want to pay attention to it. “Suck it up, Strasburg” when Stras needs Tommy John, ranting on female baseball fans, claiming he was fired because Strasburg’s father e-mailed the team owners, calling the ex-team president “meatloaf” and I just saw a story where Dibble claims he was once asked by the Pittsburgh Pirates to purposely plug Barry Bonds with a pitch because everyone on the Bucs thought Bonds was a douchebag- and do it for a steak dinner!

Such a bizarre guy, but you know what? Charlie Sheen sometimes makes sense so maybe Dibble is more the Nationals Gary Busey.

4.  Does Jayson ever talk about us?  Not that we care.  But does he?  We don’t care about him, if he asks.  But tell him we said “Hey.”  Or don’t.  Whatever, no big deal.

The Bearded One has not mentioned you guys in awhile, not to my knowledge. It was sort of weird at the beginning where he was having almost a lover’s quarrel with Cliff Lee through the media and then there was that talk of Philly affording him and Lee.

Yeah, that was a really weird way to start a seven-year contract with a new team. It rubbed a lot of people the wrong way at first. I can only speak for myself, but as a Nats fan, I chafe easy and it wasn’t working with that beard. But to use another facial hair pun: he is growing on D.C.

5.  When did Livian Hernandez become MLB’s chief advocate for man-purses and why don’t more people know about it?

I know, right? Livan has quite the impressive man-purse collection, but that isn’t even the weirdest thing about the guy. Did you know that he once paid Jeff Motuzas (D-Backs bullpen catcher) to let him punch Motuzas in the nuts anytime he wanted? He also compensated Motuzas for letting him go apeshit on him with rubber training nunchucks.

Oh yeah, he also paid him $3,000 to drink a gallon of milk in 12 minutes. Don’t get me wrong, Livan is the nicest guys ever– but it makes me wonder what he keeps in those man-bags.

6.  Do Nats fans plan on making a concerted effort toward not being overrun by Phillies fans this series, or is it a lost cause at this point, like a ship filling with plague rats?

I know there are several movements in the fan base that want to prevent a takeover from happening, but what can you really do when the team’s own front office opens the door to the fort to let in the savages? Do we blame Philadelphia fans for this? Not really.

You can’t really stop the team president (now ex-team president) from going on the air and peddling the snake oil. We do blame you for all the battery tossing, taser chasing, fat-kid-vomiting-on-little-kids incidents and drunken abuse. We get enough of that daily on Capitol Hill from the politicians [EDITOR’S NOTE:  Hey-oooooo!]. I think you will notice a bit more Nats fans at the Park than usual this year, especially when these two teams meet. It should hopefully develop into a good rivalry in the future– trying to make rivals of the New York Mets is sort of boring and not as impressive.

1.  So… you watch any of these Masters?

No, I did not.

2.  Huh.  Well, they were apparently pretty good, if this intense orchestral music playing in the background of the highlights is any indication.

In my personal opinion, I prefer sports with the potential for bloodletting.  So I spent most of Sunday watching “World’s Brutalest Spear Fights ’93” on VHS.

3.  Oh.  Wait.  Was that two questions already?  We haven’t even talked about the Phillies yet.

What do you want to hear?  We’re great.  Although I’m realizing that with every year, watching the Phillies becomes worse and worse for my central nervous system.

4.  Okay, so… wait, why was that last sentence counted as a question?  It didn’t even end in with a question mark!

Hey man, I’m just answering the questions.  It’s not my fault if you’re too incompetent to perform a simple task.

5.  Wow, that was mean.  Why would you say that?

Finally, a question.  Listen, for the last one, why don’t you just sit there being ashamed of your poor interviewing skills and I’ll answer some cliche question that you probably would’ve asked anyway.

6. …

I think people will boo Jayson originally because they think they need to make it known that they are aware he doesn’t play for the Phillies anymore.  Honestly, some people just like to make noise, and that’s fine.  Jayson’s got that beard to protect him, and we… we’re just very delicate, and defend our vulnerable underbellies with barrages of bitterness and horrific insults.