Rich Dubee Isn’t Done with You Yet

The original headline for this post was “Phillies Ruin Speculation on Bullpen by Finalizing It,” and then I read this:

"“We’re still looking,” Dubee repeated. “We’re not finalized by any means.”"

I can’t even remember what Rich Dubee’s voice sounds like, but I feel like it’s a coarse whisper that you’d hear taunting you if walked through a desolate train tunnel in the middle of the night.  I’d like to keep all terrifying Rich Dubee-related scenarios sequestered to my nightmares and out of real life, so let’s just stick with the facts: Scott Mathieson and Mike Zagurski are gone.

OH FUCK I KNEW IT HE’S HERE TO KILL MEwait it was just a bird landing on the window sill.  Shit.  Sorry.Yes, another Spring Training, another year of Scott Mathieson’s story of redemption being delayed by the Phillies brass.  Scott slapped on a smile and let some friendly parting words slip out from between his teeth grinding in frustration, insinuating unsubtlely that if the Phillies can’t find a use for him soon, he’d be more than happy to get a chance elsewhere.

And you can’t blame the guy.  He has a high-functioning fastball (its been flirting with 100 mph all spring to the point where you just want to see them get together already) and only used it to strike out a guy once this spring, meaning his splitter is more than happy to take the case when necessary.  His spring training stats nice enough to take home to mom and he’s been operated on more times than the last cat of a cat lady and for the love of god he just wants a chance.

Mike Zagurski refused to utter any quotes that would be comical out of context.

"“We’ve still got a few things in the works,” Dubee said. “We’re not done yet. This isn’t our club yet.”"

So whether its Scott Mathieson’s brooding irritation or Rich Dubee’s ominous secrets, the Phillies training camp seems to have bred at least one comic book super villain in 2011.  Which is more than last year, but still less than our worst year in that category; 1898, when such abominations as “The Scarlet Carriage,” “Fasto,” Spaniard’s Bane,” and “McKinley’s Future Gangrene” all adopted their costumed identities and embarked on a life of crime.  All were killed within a month.