When Will People Start Buying Phillies Shirts

As you can probably tell, the TBOH staff is made up of rebellious ne’er-do-well’s.  We often hang outside of Wawas, harassing customers with 19’th century slang and throwing stray cats at the cops.  This attitude extends into our wardrobes, as well–nobody here is going to pay for any merchandise of a our beloved Phillies.  A lot of that is because we are moneyless vagrants, sure; but also because of the principle of the thing.  That shit is expensive, and as we fight the system tooth and nail, there’s just no way we can afford to hand over $29.95 or a cap.

But that has not stepped the rest of you, it seems, from shattering old world records of Phillies products, the sales of which are up 100%, according to their director of merchandise.

You got to fight the power, people.  Sometimes that means writing “I <3 Shane” on a plain white t-shirt you shoplifted from Wal-Mart, instead of raping your checking account to buy his jersey in the Majestic store.Of course, as I write this, I am wearing a Phillies hoodie that is decidedly not home made, but in my defense, I have no idea how much I paid for it.  Probably two bucks.  That seems about right.

Surprise, surprise, the top selling jersey is Cliff Lee’s, despite him being the shortest tenured Phillie at the moment.  This is not especially surprising; I got one of these for Christmas, as did my sister.  Then my other sister got one a few days ago.  I guess my family is single-handedly taking down those sales records, which kind of goes against everything I just said in that first paragraph.

Roy Halladay, of course, transcends everyone, appearing in the top five most sold jerseys in all of baseball.  Everyone knows Chase and Ryan get sold out every other week, but there were a lot of Werth-supporters out there.  As they inevitably disappear in 2011, a power vacuum will appear, begging the question:  Whose name will be appearing on our backs more this year?!

Ben Francisco

Do they make jerseys and shirseys for bench players?  Though Ben’s standing as a “bench” player will bbviously be changing in 2011, so he needs all the support he can get at this stage.  Come on, the guy will be trying.  Imagine how touched he’d be to see a crew of 20 college students high-fiving, hugging each other, and falling down the steps on the 100 level, drunk as fuck?  That’s right.  Very touched.

Chooch

I’d like to see more Chooch out there, and I don’t even mean on people’s jerseys.  I’d like to see four or five Chooches on the field, calling great games simultaneously, eating ice cream, and waiting to passionately embrace his pitcher.

Joe Blanton

First, consider what a miracle it is that our fifth starter is actually a good pitcher at this point.  We could have a golden retriever out there every fifth day, holding everything up, but being the only guy we could afford.  Fortunately, we have Joe, and while he may be the only pitcher people aren’t talking about when they say “R2C2,” he’s also got way more value and skill than a golden retriever.  How about some love for Joe.

Domonic Brown

Well, duh, but I just don’t think he’s a top seller yet.

Ryan Madson

I know a low of people have their Lidge jerseys in storage, and were hesitant to bring them out last year, so why not move into Madson territory?  He’s got the syllable “Mad” in his name, which is just perfect for anyone trying to come up with a sweet nickname.  I like “Mad-Scientist,” “The Mad-Man,” “The Mouth of Madson-ness,” “Insane in the Madbrane,” and “Don’t get Mad, Get Madson.”