The Phillies are changing, and I don’t just mean out of the upper class rich guy pajamas they lounge about in during the off season. I mean as a whole, the franchise is evolving with the times. People want to go to Phillies games constantly, so it makes sense that alerts should come to the fans in as fast and modern a way as possible. In these spastic times, that means text messages.
But that creates some intriguing inquiries for the future. If we’ve come this far–from yelling at people behind bullet proof glass at The Vet to the harmonious dings of cell phones–how will be told given our Phillies ticket info of the future?!
The Flyer’s Titanium Eagle
A few weeks ago, the NHL and Marvel Comics teamed up to create superheroes based on all 30 NHL teams. The Flyers’ were assigned a winged, telekinetic vigilante prone to frequent violent mood wings with a pet titanium eagle. He may have a lot on his plate in the region, crime-wise, and may not have time to find a paying job, let alone an apartment. So why not have that bird bring home a paycheck?
If your cell phone goes off in a movie theater, the worst you’re going to get is glares and hushed insults. If a metallic warbird came crashing through the emergency exit making warped, mechanical screeches before dropping the Phillies-Braves tickets you ordered last night in your shirt pocket, they’d stand and applaud. Or call the army. Either way, you get to turn to your significant other/children/no one because you’re a weirdo and breathe “That was awesome.”
Other Teams’ Defeated Players
Let’s say the Phillies are on one of their signature September stomp-tours, and finish up beating the crap out of some team. Being a loser, you can only afford to watch the game on TV. But maybe you finally scrape together the dough to get a standing room only ticket, and need it delivered to you by the next day. Well, what better way to celebrate your purchase than having it arrive in the hands of some member of the team they Phillies just finished slaughtering?
On their way out of town with their tail between their legs, these guys are forced to stop by several Philadelphia city and suburb homes to give those lovable Phillies fans they just spent three days losing in front of the tickets to the next go-around. Imagine getting to slam your door in the face of Jose Reyes. Sic-ing your ferocious wolfhound on Pat Burrell. Turning the sprinklers on Hanley Ramirez? Hilarious. Though I guess in the distant future, those players won’t be around anymore, so somebody come back to this blog in a few decades and update it. Thanks.
But the Phillies don’t win every game, how would you get your tickets if they happen to do that thing they did for pretty much all of June and July in 2010?
The Phillies Themselves
So, this seems obvious, but what I’m saying is you’d get a chance to talk things over with people after a loss. I mean, who else would the players rather speak to after coming up short? Their families? Come on. Nothing beats going up to a stranger’s house, introducing yourself, and explaining any health or mental issues you’ve struggled through at work for the past few days.
I didn’t say they were all good ideas. Remember that eagle thing from before? That was pretty funny. Let’s end this one with the memory of that first one still in our minds.
Did you guys see that the Phillies talked to Michael Young?
This is way off topic, but I don’t feel like doing a second post about it. I totally called that. Normally I wouldn’t be all proud of myself, out loud, but I don’t think I’ve ever been right on this blog before. Why do I even have this job? The point is, I was right this time.
Anyways, back to the ticket delivery thing.
Cops on Horses
Just hear me out. The crime in this city is ridiculous as always, and with the demand for Phillies tickets being as insane as usual, we can only assume that in the future, an urban setting like Philly will quickly morph into the riot-infested streets of our NES games.
Most cities are doing away with their mounted police forces, but Philly has decided to hold onto their’s, as long as they can raise $2 million extra dollars. So far they have $200,000 from… people who don’t want to be able to outrun the cops.
“One horse is worth 10 people when it comes to crowd control.”
–Police Commissioner Gordon Charles Ramsey
And why pay 10 people to possibly become corrupt when you can trick one horse into working for free? The point is, in a futuristic setting, where Phillies tickets become more of a precious commodity than gold or love, we will need cops on horseback to deliver them to us.