Beware the Lurking All-Division Team
By Justin Klugh
An empty auditorium.
A man walks out in a wrinkled Phillies shirt, carrying a boom box from 1997. He puts it down on the middle of the stage and hits the play button which clearly hasn’t been asked to function in quite some time. Jarbled, intense instrumental classical music blares through as hard as it can as he speaks with tones and gesticulations bordering on lunacy.
MASSES OF THE INTERNET! I bring you to the dawn of a new age.
How oft do you consumers find yourselves gazing at the night sky, or into the eyes of a lover, yet tragically detached from the moment? How many of you find life’s greatest questions gnawing at your subconscious and watering down the emotional highs of your existence? Who out there hearing this voice are torn from the fabrics of every day life by an ulcer of incompletion, buried deep within the bowels of your soul?
Regret your world no more. For the ultimate questions; those that hold the very fate of our species in their hypothetical grasp, will be appearing on these very pages within the coming February.
Contrary to news headlines everywhere, there are more players in the NL East than the Philadelphia Phillies starting rotation. We’re going to be recognizing that regrettable notion all February long on FanSided, with the introduction of All-Division lineups, rotations, setup men, and closers.
Very soon, this place will be entertained by ballots from myself, Rising Apple, Marlin Maniac, Teddy Never Wins, and Tomahawk Take. Together, we’ll combine/have problems with each other’s ideas of who is the leader at each position. And it doesn’t stop here. All throughout the FanSided Network, blogs will be gleefully handing over the divisional information and opinions once thought to manifest nowhere but senile fantasies.
Your division’s best players, in your face, on this site.
Think of all your favorite NL East stars: Roy Halladay. Chase Utley. Ryan Howard. Cliff Lee. Dom Brown. Roy Oswalt. Jimmy Rollins. The Phanatic. Cole Hamels. Ben Francisco. Ross Gload. Rich Dubee.
The cassette tape playing the classical orchestra music gives out, and the man in the Phillies shirt looks at the boom box, kicks it a few times, then runs out of the theater wordlessly.