Brian Fuentes Officially Prettiest Girl at the Off Season Dance

Here’s the list of teams being floated around that want to blow Brian Fuentes’ kisses:

Red Sox, Blue Jays, Rays, Rockies, Mariners, Twins, Pirates, Phillies, Brewers, Yankees and Mets.

Hey, look!  That bold section!  That’s us!  Looks like we’re not going to wire the bullpen to explode every time Charlie Manuel points at it like I keep suggesting.

We love relievers right now.  We love relievers that would be good for us, sure, but we also love relievers who would want to come here,or pitch left handed, and even moreso, we are freaking ENAMORED with relievers who will come here, be good, and work for cheap.

Give us you, Brian Fuentes.  Just come on.  We are so far past the point of discriminating for any reason you could be a lost dog we lured into the bullpen with promises of raw meat and glory.

But you’re not!  You’re Brian Fuentes, weird-armed owner of this sick pick off move (occurs at 0:22).  And you’re left handed!  Shit!  That’s perfect!

[Business Insider]

Why would you want to come here, you ask?  Well, maybe you haven’t heard, but our rotation is the monster living under the National League’s bed.  Our offense has crumbled some, but still stands high enough to provide adequate support.  We’re contenders.  We contend.  And you may think we’re out of money, but if this Cliff Lee thing has been any indication, its that we have what children refer to as “forever-money.”

Maybe you require more than abstract concepts before transplanting your self and your family (Our love to Barbara!) to the screamiest baseballville in the land.  Look, the truth is, you are a piece.  But for us, you are a missing piece.

Don’t look at those J.C. Romero articles.  Yeah, we re-signed him, but that’s all just shadowplay.  Brian, you may not be as promising as you used to be, but like I said.  We’re not haters.

We’re needers, and we need fresh left-handed blood in our pen; someone to provide an alternative to the hardcore letdowns J.C. Romero will supply now and then.  We need you.  So… give us you.