As I was being led through AT&T Park recently, I realized baseball, even structurally, is constantly changing; or at least, changing whenever Bud Selig dozes off for a second or 10,000. Ballgirls of the future may not serve the function they have now. In honor of the final 2011 spot being taken, I offer you these probably necessary alterations for a changed world.
1. Guns for Arms
It would help if girls who already have guns for arms would apply, because that way we wouldn’t have to amputate and graph on a new one. The budget isn’t going to be huge, or existent, so I don’t know how many plasma cannons we’ll be able to surgically attach to their arms. Not that something this awesome needs a point, but we’ve had plenty of reasons this season to give weapons to team employees who work on the field. Why just taser a guy when you could torch him into a pile of ash and watch as a shocked crowd of 44,000 is thinly blanketed in his remains?
2. Mechanized Phanatics
This was originally “Mechanized Velociraptors,” but then I thought that would be drifting even further from the basis of webs ite having anything to do with the Phillies. Basically, these would be the mounts of the infamous crime fighting Phillies ballgirls. If a foul ball bounces away or skitters between the legs, they will need to be fast to track it down–with all that instant replay on the way, we don’t want the game held up any longer than necessary.
Plus I figured they could help with the security issues too; what better way to chase down rabid fans that a metallic Phillies Phanatic on all fours with glowing red robotic eyes? Nothing. Nothing is better than that.
3. No more balls for children
“Oh, look, that little kid just tossed the foul ball his dad caught back onto the field a-ha ha ha ha ha adorable what a great story this is news.”
How many times does this happen. I have no official count but I’m willing to bet 1,000x a year. Whatever brief amounts of hilarity were squeezed out of these moments decades ago. But when the ballgirls snag a foul, they immediately look for the most doughy-eyed youngster to hand it off to.
A quick background/ID check of everyone in the stadium will reveal who is the oldest, most dedicated Phillies fan in the stadium, and they should be tracked down, and given the ball for their time. When they’ve gotten one, the system will track the next oldest, and so on. This way, people cognoscente of their surroundings–maybe–will be getting the ball, rather than some suburban mop-top whose just there in Citizens Bank Park because that’s where the car seat stopped moving. It’s really hard to catch a foul ball without dropping your baby or getting spit on by Jayson Werth; if it’s just getting handed to someone, they better deserve it.
Yes, this would require a nationwide survey to be completed by all people regarding their age, Phillies fandom, and level of their fanaticism before it could work, but who cares? I didn’t even consider that, so how important could it be?
4. Change their title to “Legion of the Baseball-Guardians”
Yes, its all coming together in your head, isn’t it? Every Phillies game, two industrious, gunslinging, twentysomething, young women come strutting out of the dunnel, decked out in cyborg armor and and atop two green, robotic, funnel-nosed steeds. Is there any way you would feel right addressing them as “ballgirls” at that point? I hope not, for your sake. Like most Philadelphians, it does not take a ton of miscues to have the Baseball-Guardians gun-arms down your throat.