A Quick Jayson Werth Update to Interrupt Your Breakfast
By Justin Klugh
Put down your cereal. I know its delicious; put it down.
*Takes spoon away from you forcefully*
I didn’t want to have to do that. But I’ve got some big news: Jayson Werth is definitely coming back to the Phillies.
Okay? No, that’s a lie. I was just lying to you. Calm down. No, you can’t have your spoon back. I was just trying to warm you up to the notion th–will you forget about them damn cereal for a second?! It can’t be getting “inedibly” soggy, its only been, like, 30 seconds. And if you’d stop thrasing around the kitchen I could just tell you this news and we could both be on our way.
The Philies have offered Jayson Werth a contract.
“What does that mean?” It means that they have significant interest in bring him back, of course. Idiot. Come on, man.
I… well of course that’s a development. You can’t say “Then nothing has changed and this is pretty much the exact same situation.” Its totally different. There’s like, a contract involved now. And Jayson Werth. And the Phillies and their interests.
Shut up!
Ha! Well that’s where you’re wrong, pal. It comes from a totally credible source, and his name is… “a family friend of Phils general manager who was told directly about the offer.”
…
Stop laughing.
It could be serious! It could be, like, a guy who was Ruben Amaro’s Thanksgiving who got him drunk off boxed wine and… and…
No, I don’t think that’s the equivalent of saying “My cousin, whose a real whiz with computers, says Bill Gates is constructing a space shuttle underneath his compound.”
You know, even if this contract offer story is true, that guy who mouthed off to everybody is kind of a dick. And if Ruben’s smug silence indicates anything, its that when he wants things to stay quiet, they stay that away. Also that he is smug. So if this guy was a pal of the Amaros before, chances are he’s being walled inside a mausoleum, brick by brick as we speak.
Whatever.
*Hurls spoon out kitchen window*
Enjoy your disgusting soggy cereal.