A Quick Jayson Werth Update to Interrupt Your Breakfast

Put down your cereal.  I know its delicious; put it down.

*Takes spoon away from you forcefully*

I didn’t want to have to do that.  But I’ve got some big news:  Jayson Werth is definitely coming back to the Phillies.

Okay?  No, that’s a lie.  I was just lying to you.  Calm down.  No, you can’t have your spoon back.  I was just trying to warm you up to the notion th–will you forget about them damn cereal for a second?! It can’t be getting “inedibly” soggy, its only been, like, 30 seconds.  And if you’d stop thrasing around the kitchen I could just tell you this news and we could both be on our way.

The Philies have offered Jayson Werth a contract.

“What does that mean?”  It means that they have significant interest in bring him back, of course.  Idiot.  Come on, man.

I… well of course that’s a development.  You can’t say “Then nothing has changed and this is pretty much the exact same situation.”  Its totally different.  There’s like, a contract involved now.  And Jayson Werth.  And the Phillies and their interests.

Shut up!

Ha!  Well that’s where you’re wrong, pal.  It comes from a totally credible source, and his name is… “a family friend of Phils general manager who was told directly about the offer.”

Stop laughing.

It could be serious!  It could be, like, a guy who was Ruben Amaro’s Thanksgiving who got him drunk off boxed wine and… and…

No, I don’t think that’s the equivalent of saying “My cousin, whose a real whiz with computers, says Bill Gates is constructing a space shuttle underneath his compound.”

You know, even if this contract offer story is true, that guy who mouthed off to everybody is kind of a dick.  And if Ruben’s smug silence indicates anything, its that when he wants things to stay quiet, they stay that away.  Also that he is smug.  So if this guy was a pal of the Amaros before, chances are he’s being walled inside a mausoleum, brick by brick as we speak.

Whatever.

*Hurls spoon out kitchen window*

Enjoy your disgusting soggy cereal.

ROLLING MEADOWS, IL - JULY 28: Boxes of Kellogg

"They'rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre ruined!"

Tags: Cask Of Amontillado Contract Deal Jasyon Werth Murder Off Seaosn Outfield Phillies Ruben Amaro

comments powered by Disqus