Jimmy Rollins Ruins “Red Bull Ball Park Cranks” By Canceling It

"We also want Pablo Sandoval to 'ride the bull' while surfing across San Francisco Bay on a couple of seals and firing a machine gun into the air! FUCK YEAH! Red Bull!"

The science world was rocked this morning when it was announced that Jimmy Rollins’ attempt to set the record for “longest baseball ever hit with every single advantage a mad scientist could come up with” would be delayed, due to his injuries.

“I don’t understand how this could happen,” said a scientist.  ”I mean, this ‘record attempt.’  Someone explain to me why this is going to happen.  Or at least, how it qualifies as ‘science.’”

So, not counting the Red Bull-monster-truck-baseball-explosion-chain-saw contest, I’d say that “baseball games” are the most critical thing J-Roll will miss.  Fortunately, we aren’t weighed down by a soaking wet blanket of injuries.

Oh yeah, Jayson Werth totally left the game, too!

What is with these injuries?  Two in the same day?  From things that aren’t even really dangerous?  Phrases like “…running out of the batter’s box in the fourth inning” and “stretching” are usually not prefixed by phrases like “He horribly injured himself…”

So we’re going to see a little Dobbs, a little Francisco… and possibly a lot of Castro.  Yesterday was the first time his feet touched the dirt as a Phillie, and he did pretty okay, actually.  He had a double in there.  He’s fast.

But over time the variant of having Juan Castro instead of Jimmy Rollins as your starting shortstop will build, I’m assuming.  Or maybe Castro will have a for-no-reason breakout half, like somebody named Raul Ibanez.  But probably the first thing I said.  The terrible one.

At least there’s Ryan Howard, whose been called a “notoriously slow starter” enough times in the past week that he officially has been called it more times than me.  His infamously crawling debuts (thanks, thesaurus.com) appear to be a thing of the past, as Ryan can’t get out of bed in the morning without sending a baseball 400 feet.

Thank you, Barry Bonds.

Apparently, and why this is just surfacing now I don’t know, Barry and Ryan hung out this winter. Like, a few times. Okay, an entire week.  God.

But they just talked. About baseball.  So before you get all those images swirling around in your head, where Barry’s offering Ryan some “protein supplements,” and Ryan’s all not sure, because he’s seen the commercials for steroids where the basketballs shrink as a metaphor for testicles, and he’s just kind of looking at the floor as Barry pressures him into taking them, and says stuff liek “all the cool kids do it,” and “hideous, shriveled raisin-balls are just a part of becoming a professional athlete”… you know… don’t.

Milt Thompson set the whole thing up, so it was totally cool.  So just shut up, the media.  Stop… stop linking things together.  Like journalists.

All right, that was a lot for one day.  If anybody has anything to add before I get up, say it now.  If anybody’s preparing to perform needless stunts or wants to admit they’ve been hanging out with a suspected drug abuser, say it now.

“I don’t think it’s going to be something that lingers or be a big deal,”   –Jayson Werth on his sore shoulder

JESUS JUST LET ME EAT MY TERRIBLE DINNER IN PEACE.

Topics: Barry Bonds, Jayson Werth, Jimmy Rollins, Red Bull, Ryan Howard

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