Police Have Suspect in Murder of Entire Braves Lineup

Roy Halladay made witnesses of the entire crowd yesterday, committing a three-inning long homicide of the Atlanta Braves lineup, then turning to the audience as he left the game after striking out five, allowing three hits, and giving up zero runs, and let them know a similar fate was in store if they should call the police or testify against him.

It was hard to watch.  Just ask Brian McCann.

And despite Shane Victorino’s glorious return, it was Jayson Werth (who straight abused the baseball over the left field wall), Ben Francisco, and John Mayberry, Jr. who tore it up offensively, each with two RBI in a 7-4 win.

In further evidence that Jayson Werth’s beard is slowly becoming a self aware sentient being, the outfielder’s two run home run came just as the announcer said the phrase “Fear the beard…” which was creepy as shit, but as long as we keep it happy with a steady diet of applause, and maybe, like, the occasional dead bird or something (I don’t know, this is new territory for me, too… my facial hair is paltry, and… not alive) we should be safe.

But Shane did throw in a single for the cause and “experienced no problems with his right shoulder,” which was good, no matter who’s haunted facial hair was taking control of the game.

And Cole’s going to pitch today at 1, so let’s all hope that he’s dominant and Jayson Werth does something else crazy so the Phillies blogs across the world can make jokes about his beard.  Otherwise, it’s going to be pretty hard to fill this space.

But Roy Halladay wasn’t the only NL East pitcher taking human lives from a pitcher’s mound yesterday.  Stephen Strasburg showed up and gave Nationals fans hope, gift-wrapped in an 81 MPH breaking ball.

“I just wanted to go out there and throw strikes.  If they hit it, they hit it. Big deal,” Strasburg said.

But they didn’t hit it, Stephen.  Maybe you can explain how someone could hit a baseball that is is one place, and than less than a second later, is in a completely different place that is unreachable, even with a bat in their hands.  While he’s not going to hoist them on his shoulders and carry them to the Promised Land, its refreshing to see a homegrown National slicing up opposing hitters.

Of course, in 10 years, when the Nationals are having a competitive season, I will resent him with the bitterness and cynicism of an old man living alone and without a family.

Johan Santana also showed up to pitch yesterday for the Mets and proved that he is indeed better than Roy Halladay by giving up a home run, six hits, four runs, and ended the day with a solid 21.60 ERA in an inning and a third.

WOW!  My socks!  They’re across the room.  Thanks, Johan.  You the man.  Somebody take Roy Halladay out back and shoot him; what is the point of pitching in this division if guys like Santana and his 20+ ERA are setting up shop?

Ha, ha.  The Mets.