Ex-Phillies Pretty Sure They All Wound Up on World Series Contenders

Maybe it started with Brett Myers and his “sticking it” to the Phillies comments that, oh yeah, didn’t mean what we all thought it meant.  It was more of a “Ha, ha, stick it, Phillies!” than a “I am going to stick it to those f*cking Phillies” (said while sharpening a fire poker).

Fortunately, all the Phillies, even the ones we let go, seem to be playing for teams that should do very, very well this year, according to some statements said in public.

“This easily could conceivably be a championship team,” Clay Condrey said of the Twins, blanketing his confidence in a cozy little layer of adverbs.  With a Joe Mauer-powered squad, its like being on the Titanic (Oh no!), only to find out the captain is Superman (Oh, I guess… I guess we’re fine, then).

Pedro Feliz, fielding grounders while silently reminiscing about summers past, is being asked to make a tangent replacement of Miguel Tejada with Houston’s rookie shortstop, Tommy Manzella.  Asking Pedro Feliz to step up his offensive production is one thing.  Depending on him for it… hell, if they can do something to get his bat hot, Phillies, take notes.  We sure couldn’t figure it out.

Loved that glove, though.

“I’m trying to get a ring.  I couldn’t get it the last two years,” explained Chan Ho Park.

Chan Ho’s plan to slide into the starting rotation for a World Series contending team is… half over, I guess.  He’s certainly with a contender, in the same way that you’re with that hot girl standing across the bar, surrounded by dudes.  You’re in the same room; I don’t see why you couldn’t just say you were with her Friday night.

“Does it mean it’ll work out? No, but it clearly gives us a deeper pen in a lot of different ways,” explained Yankees GM Brian Cashman.

Sh… She doesn’t even know I’m here, does she?!

I’m starting to smell out Chan Ho Park for what he really is, and that is a nomadic ring-whore.  Sure, he wanted to stay with the Phillies.  Not badly enough to stay with them, though, even when an offer was presented to him.  But of the “fresh starts” Ruben Amaro was handing out this winter, Park’s got the best chance of having his WS dreams be more than fictional rambling.  Though the odds of him starting… I’ve got to think they’re low.

Brett Myers is also thriving down in Kissimmee.  Having been unable to truly relax and enjoy himself in Spring Trainings past (probably because he had to worry about being good, to, you know, make the team), Myers turned to a source of inspiration valued by all middle-aged men with facial hair and a history of domestic violence:  children.

“I coached my son’s little league team this year, and it kind of inspired me a little bit to see how much fun those kids had.  That definitely helped me this offseason.”

Good, yeah.  What was missing from Brett Myers’ game was that he wasn’t having enough fun.  That was a slip-up on my part.  I should have checked these numbers months ago.  Yup, here it is.  Brett’s Fun Percentage (FuPg%) was down to  .437, and now, after coaching a little league team and reporting to camp, it’s blasted its way up to a stoic .649.  Of course, that doesn’t take into account OFA (Off field antics) or, and this is the important part, just how undependably bad a pitcher can be.

I just wish we could have made baseball more fun for Brett Myers while he was still in Philadelphia.

Matt Stairs, who found out he had an offer from San Diego while at a cheerleading competition (Sweet!) for his daughter (Never mind!), mentioned nothing of the Padres’ World Series aspirations and just swung six bats at once to warm up for the last of his (scheduled) offseason bearfights.

Meanwhile, Eric Bruntlett scrounged up a job being a body for Stephen Strasburg to throw baseballs at.  He’s the baseball equivalent of a sack of old hamburger meat.

“Who the hell is ‘Eric Bruntlett?'” even the Nationals asked.