Shiver Me Timbers and Many More Pirate Jokes

Speaking of the Pirates, I hate the Pirates.

ROSS OHLENDORF VS. THE PHILLIES LINEUP

He’s got a name like a Nordic warhammer and the ERA of a mediocre-at-best major league pitcher.  We’ve seen him one time this year, and he’s bringing his 4 BB, 5 K, 4.76 ERA against teams whose name rhymes with “The Sillies” at our lineup once more.  Apparently, the Pittsburgh organization wants to hold him to 170 innings.

Why?

Well, it’s the Pirates, so maybe they want to make him good and then sell him.   I don’t know, I’m not on their ship.

If the Pirates were a real pirate crew, they would all have died from scurvy by now.

Anyways, Ohelndorf isn’t a guy to be afraid of, unless he’s worked his frustrations with the Pittsburgh organization into a pent-up, pissed-off frenzy of pitching.

Though I’ll give the matey some credit, his stats are noticeably better in this second half than the first.  4-1, 2.73, as opposed to…worse than that.

I will conclude that Ross Ohlendorf would not be the man you would want defending your vessel from a boarding party, even if he were to do it by hurling baseballs.

What’s that?  “Stop it with the jokes about actual pirating?”

No.

Yaarrr!  Cole Hamels gets the ball in this Pirates series on Wednesday, and all of Philadelphia watches in wonder at what he will do.  Cole ain’t Cole right now, and we have the stellar pitching of our remaining starters to thank for it not being too noticeable.

Though it does make his new Comcast commercial all the more obnoxious, as Comcast is the worst thing to happen to this city/the internet/computers since books.

Speaking of pitching, Pedro doesn’t pitch this series, but does take the mound for the first game against the Braves.  Personally, I would be in favor of a ruling where Pedro leaves the game about halfway through, no matter what the situation, and Jamie comes in.  Make them a hybrid starter, because it’s all either one could really handle anyway.  I’m sure Pedro would disagree with me, but he’d be wrong.

You are not going to throw a no-hitter, shutout, or complete game again, Pedro.  Ever.

And your hair is dumb.

If Pedro’s really only got 4-5 innings in him anymore, why not bring ‘ol J-Moy in there to eat up some innings with his “sailboat” pitching style (as oppose to Cliff Lee’s “awesome jet skis”)?  What else is there for Moyer to do, except to announce retirement, and then out of the blue come back and play for the Vikings.

If all goes according to plan, Blanton and Happ will step in and slap them Bucs into submission, our wild card being the sad story of Cole Hamels.  Perhaps he can use this particularly weak Pirates lineup to get his act together.  Either way, I’m rooting for you, Cole.  I’m rooting for everybody.

Not you, Paul Bako.

Image courtesy of www.sportressofblogitude.com