Inside the Phillies War Room

Scene 1

INT. RUBEN AMARO’S OFFICE: CITIZENS BANK PARK – MID AFTERNOON

RUBEN rubs his eyes as he continues to stare at the computer screen. His phone rings, with the Stanford alma mater song playing. On the other line is FARHAN ZAIDI, general manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers. RUBEN tries to contain his excitement and answers the phone:

RUBEN

(in his best Hollywood agent voice) Hey Farry baby, how’s tricks? Still lookin’ for that Hollywood crush of yours? (changes back) I’m kidding, Farhan. My Stanford education doesn’t allow me to play games like that. Why are you calling?

FARHAN

(sighs) Hi Ruben. (sighs again, longer). Andy wants me to check in on Hamels again. I already know what you’re going to say, but what’s the current price to get him?

RUBEN

(drawing the Stanford Cardinal) Well, that Joc kid looks pretty good. I think he’d fit in nicely in our lineup. And Corey Seager is probably blocked by Jimmy. Best to start with those two, and let’s go from there.

FARHAN

Ruben, you know we aren’t trading those two. Why do you consistently ask for them? Tell you what, I just found this sack of baseballs in my trunk. Some are even white! We’ll give you that, plus….are you ready for this (excitement in voice builds)….PLUS….Zach Lee!!!

RUBEN

Stanford.

FARHAN

Huh?

RUBEN

Sorry, I sneezed. Tell you what, Far. You get back to me when you’re ready to discuss either Seager or Julio Urias, and then we can get down to the nitty-gritty. Stanford. (hangs up phone)

SCENE 2

More from That Balls Outta Here

INT. AMARO’S OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON

RUBEN gets up from his mid afternoon nap, knocking over the unopened files that contain the next series’ scouting reports, awoken by a phone call. He answers, hearing JON DANIELS, general manager of the Texas Rangers, on the other end.

JON

Hey, Rube? How’s Frenchy’s arm? Looks like he was a little gassed at the end there the other night.

RUBEN

Frenchy’s arm is fine. He isn’t allowed to throw for a week, but that’s ok. What can I do for you?

JON

Rube, I can’t even believe it. We lost Yu, we lost Holland, and here I am, right smack in the middle of the playoff chase. Problem is: I have a depth problem in the rotation. I’m gonna ask a question I never thought I’d ask: (loudly adjusts cowboy hat) what will Hamels cost?

RUBEN

Wow. Frankly, Jon, I was expecting this. (pauses) Well…how’s the Alfaro kid feeling?

JON

Well, I gotta be honest here, he’s going to have ankle surgery next week. Gonna be out quite a while, but hey, he should be back good as new!

RUBEN

Eh. A catcher? Coming off of ankle surgery? My Stanford education tells me that he probably won’t be the same for quite a while. How about that (pauses, clicking through Baseball Prospectus’ Top 10 Rangers prospect list) Mazara character? What’s his status?

JON

(clicking heard in background) Uh, well…..we do like him, but I guess he could be in a deal. But you’ll have to pay a bit of Cole’s salary. Mazzy is a pretty good prospect.

RUBEN

So, you want to dance, do you? (puts JON on hold)

RUBEN then heads to the executive bathroom, where he paints himself thusly.

RUBEN

(enter Scottish accent) Sure, Jon. Trade for Cole, and you might die. Keep Mazara, and you’ll live….at least for a while. But do that, you’ll end up sitting at home in October, talking with all your little Ivy League-buddies. So tell me, would you be willing to take that one chance, just that one chance, to tell your opponents that you can take MY ace, but you will never take…..(screaming into phone) MY BALANCED BANK ACCOUNT!!!!! (unleashes a guttural howl)

JON

Rube? You OK, man?

SCENE 3

PHILLIES CLUBHOUSE

RUBEN finishes his pregame meal with RYNE SANDBERG when his phone buzzes yet again. JED HOYER, general manager of the Chicago Cubs, is on the other line. RUBEN answers.

RUBEN

Jed, Theo is letting you use his phone? (winks, nudges RYNE)

JED

Wasn’t funny at the meetings, isn’t funny now, Amaro. Listen, we want to try and go for it this year. Our fans deserve some good baseball in September, and this Kris Bryant character has given us a boost. I’m going to make you a straight forward offer: Javier Baez, Billy McKinney, and Jeremy Null. We don’t want any money. Take it or leave it.

RUBEN

Listen, Theo-

JED

Jed.

RUBEN

-er, I mean Jed, we like McKinney, but these other two…..well, I’m enamored, but not “in love” (RYNE falls asleep). Tell you what. Let me run it by Pat and I’ll get back to you.

JED

Deal is off the table in 72 hours. End transmission.

RUBEN looks stunned. BOB MCCLURE enters the room, naked except for the gun holster he has been carrying around for the past week, filled with two Smith & Wesson Model 686 guns handed down to him by his “Pappy”. MCCLURE stops in front of a mirror, winks, nods slightly, then heads back into the office. RUBEN’S phone buzzes with a text message from BEN CHERINGTON, general manager of the Boston Red Sox.

RUBEN

F— that guy.

End scene.

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