There will be zero jokes: Phillies Year in Review, Part Four


A tearful Phanatic has placed a pillow over the face of the 2013 Phillies, eyes clenched as they began to twitch frantically under his weight, and then lied still. The end is here.

And so, we at TBOH have come up with some general questions about what could go right next season and what so stupid about the recently completed one. Here are parts one by Ethan Seidel, two by John Stolnis, and three by Ben Horrow.

Today, in a rare not-the-weekend appearance, we have TBOH weekend guy Alex Christy:

What does Ryne Sandberg need to do to be the Manager of the Year? How will Kyle Kendrick ruin it for him?

The first step of being manager of the year is not having Kyle Kendrick on the team. Kyle Kendrick will ruin it by being on the team.

Aug 14, 2013; Atlanta, GA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel (41) blows a bubble while watching the rain fall from the dugout during a rain delay prior to the game against the Atlanta Braves at Turner Field. Mandatory Credit: Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

Without Charlie Manuel, the Phillies see a dramatic drop in Folksiness%. What are the best ways a full year in Ryne Sandberg’s clubhouse will be different?

I have heard Sandberg is removing the hay bales the players had in front of their lockers and replacing them with actual chairs. That is just a rumor at this point.

From some real articles that real reporters write, it sounded as if Sandberg has made the team show up earlier to the park on game day.  During that extra time maybe Ryan Howard will be able to watch some video of opposing pitchers, you know, if he’s up to it. Maybe they will play some team building games like that one where everyone links arms, makes a big arm knot, and tries to un-knot themselves.  The team needs more of that kind of good hearted fun.

Sandberg has talked of how important Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins’ roles will be next season. Why is he putting so much emphasis on the older, more injury-prone crowd? And did he not see Chase Utley? He’s standing right there, thinking about hitting mechanics. Wave to Chase, everybody! Oh, he looks mad. I guess he always does. Still, though; stop waving.

Sandberg is some sort of hologram that is being operated by Ruben Amaro.  If the manager said anything different, I would be worried there is some sort of problem in the control room. Maybe some crossed wires or too much whiskey.

Darin Ruf’s role on the 2014 Phillies will be as a _______ly effective _______.

…stupidly (in)effective piece in a terrible trade, Amaro Special style.  Ruben has talked about moving Ben Revere to a corner outfield spot.  If that happens, Ruf has nowhere to play.  Amaro will trade him for some old reliever with the reasoning that this team needs some veterany leadership.

How many miles away from Philadelphia will Roy Halladay spend next season?

I think he ends up in Washington D.C. The Nationals are obsessed with the Phillies.  After the hire Manuel and Rich Dubee, they will want to keep the former Phillie train rolling.

Sep 23, 2013; Miami, FL, USA; Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Roy Halladay (right) reacts on pitching mound as pitching coach Rich Dubee (left) calls for the trainer before being taken out of the game in the first inning against the Miami Marlins at Marlins Park. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

How many miles away from civilization will Roy Halladay spend the next season?

D.C. is a black hole that sucks all surrounding civilization into itself.  It is inescapable. So, my answer is infinity miles or this “8” if you hold your monitor sideways.

Assuming Hamels and Lee are retained, fill out the last three spots in the rotation. EXTRA CHALLENGE: Do it again, using solely arms from the farm system. Ha ha, no, don’t. Actually yeah, do it.

1) David Price, Kyle Kendrick, MAG

2) Adam Morgan, Jonathan Pettibone, Ethan Martin- I feel like those last two don’t count, but it is pretty much impossible otherwise. Oh joy.

Kyle Kendrick showed a glimmer of dominance early in 2013, and is almost 30 years old now. Assuming someone else is now the ‘little brother’ of the team, who is it? Or do the Phillies not have the chemistry to establish jokey little roles like that anymore, choosing to brusquely pass each other in the hall and avoid speaking to each other?

There will be zero jokes.  Remember the double helmet cup thing Cliff Lee was screwing around with?  If there is anything I learned from this past season it is baseball is not fun.

How many Phillies problems were solved by the demolishing of the Vet Stadium tower?

All of them! Wait, is Ruben Amaro inside the tower?  I made that assumption while answering this question.

Chase Utley: Offensive leader and ideal example for young players to follow, or unkillable baseball cyborg who will stand amongst the smoldering ashes of Citizens Bank Park as the lone survivor of the End of Days?

I always thought he was the offensive leader because he is a cyborg.  Now I am just confused.

Jul 30, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Justin De Fratus (79) celebrates with catcher Carlos Ruiz (51) after pitching the ninth inning against the San Francisco Giants at Citizens Bank Park. The Phillies defeated the Giants 7-3. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

Rank these young people in the order of their significance to the 2014 campaign: Cody Asche, Cesar Hernandez, Freddy Galvis, Ethan Martin, Jonathan Pettibone, Justin De Fratus, Jake Diekman.

Cody Asche, Cesar Hernandez, Jake Diekman, Jonathan Pettibone, Ethan Martin, and the last two can hang out in AAA.

Will the Phillies do the responsible thing and start hunting for starting pitching to sign or will they do the ‘Phillies’ thing and immediately sign a 40+ outfielder who has to sew his arm back on between innings to be an everyday corner outfielder?

Obviously the answer is old ass outfielder who sucks.  It is the Ruben Amaro way.  I mean, the guy is going to think about hiring someone with an analytical background.  That means the team currently does not employ one.  Amaro is going to use his eyes to build this team until he dies.  Sadly for us, he is blind.