Ruben Amaro Done Playing by Your ‘Rules,’ Square

Ruben Amaro kicked off the Phillies offseason by admitting he really dropped the ball on this one.

It’s time to shake things up for the Phillies, and who better to take lead on this than the same general manager we’ve had for four years. Ruben wasn’t shy about what exactly the Phillies have planned for the offseason, whether it’s believing in witchcraft or getting yelled at by everyone.

“[Ruben] said that he ‘fully expects to take heat’ for a failed season and that his staff could place a greater importance on advanced metrics when evaluating players.”—Matt Gelb, Inquirer

This presents us with several scenarios:

• Ruben Amaro has been killed and replaced by a pod person, who is assimilating with the logical usage of advanced stats to form competitive teams, without realizing that using such common sense directly contradicts the host body’s usual behavior.
• A classic body swap has occurred, and somewhere, Joe Maddon is demanding that the Rays sign Delmon Young to an extension once this whole playoffs thing blows over.
• Things are legitimately changing in the Phillies organization, and it’s going to take more than a hostile race of alien parasites to stop them.

Advanced metrics! Admitting fault! What’s next?! Are we gonna start telling young guys to hold the bat upside down, or maybe how to spike the catcher without even sliding or there being a play at the plate? Because that’s what this kind of thing gets you!

Aug 16, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr prior to playing the Los Angeles Dodgers at Citizens Bank Park. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

You know, the Phillies used to be a solid, American baseball team. Now they’re all about numbers and using them to help themselves improve in a game where everything is counted and used to measure skill.  It just feels so… European.

So, that’s it, then. The Phillies are kicking off that box we’ve been keeping them in and exploring the modern world of baseball. I never thought this day would come. I assumed at least four or five more losing seasons would come and go before anybody considered getting a numbers guy on the phone.

The need for this sort of mood was what made Charlie Manuel so obsolete by the end of his tenure. He wasn’t a guy who wanted to pay chess; we wanted to flip the board over and start Michael Young at third already. A fertile clubhouse of young hitters was a good place for him to create a positive environment, but the Phillies aren’t as young or hitter-ish anymore. Somebody would have to get creative. What better time to move forward on such an endeavor than with a new manager, ready to turn the locker room into his own?

It’s all part of moving for–IT’S THE ALIEN PARASITE RUN RUN OH MY GOD