Nobody Complaining About Drunk Baby in Oakland


The Oakland A’s Moneyballed into the playoffs again, thus simultaneously proving something about stuff to somebody.

The ludicrous delirium in the post-clinch locker room is well noted.  Back in the day, players would smash glass bottles, eat the glass, and spit blood in celebration of their success. It was all fun and games until things would take a dark turn and eventually, somehow the players were forcing beat writers to fight each other, gladiator style.  A lot of orphans were created those nights.

This baby in the A’s locker room, after erasing the Rangers 4-0 to clinch the AL West, is not an orphan.  But he is celebrating like he just found out what an ‘orphan’ was and needed a drink to calm his nerves.

That’s right.  There was a drunk baby in that locker room.  And nobody gives a damn.

Oh, I’m sure this is all fun and games. I’m sure the bottle was “empty.”  But when a Philadelphian child does it, it’s just another in the long line of crimes against humanity.  And then another Philadelphian does it, and people are like, “Hey now, you buncha reckless drunks.”

And then 61 other kids do it, and it’s suddenly, like, “Oh, this city has a problem,” or whatever.  You know who has the problem?  You do, for being so up-and-up on Phillies drinking stories.  Maybe take your eyes off the computer screen for once and pay attention to that pretty wife of yours. You know she’s not gonna wait forever.  “Just one more ‘Phillies fans drink too much’ story before I come to bed, babe, I swear,” says you. And goes back to bed and sobs into her pillow. YOU ROBBED HER OF HAPPINESS.

Look, the point is, somebody’s got to take hold of this rampant baby-drinking problem in the A’s clubhouse before it gets out of hand.  But it’s the A’s; they don’t have the stoicism and class of a team that uses money to buy things.

What the hell was I talking about.