BREAKING: Justin De Fratus is Cool Guy


In the wake of Ryan Braun’s scandalous PED reveal, the Phillies saw one of their own confess some news as well.

De Fratus admitted to being a ‘cool guy,’ to fans on Twitter, ending speculation that the young reliever was, in fact, a stellar dude.

It had already been confirmed that the 25-year-old righty had a sweet, interesting name; like a character in a movie played by Sam Rockwell, who was a sleazy lawyer at first but then learned a valuable lesson and wound up giving an inspiring speech about the value of mentoring orphans.

But the news struck the organization like lightning, as yet another swell gent had infiltrated the below. 500 team’s ranks.

Jul 19, 2013; New York, NY, USA; Philadelphia Phillies relief pitcher Justin De Fratus (79) and catcher Carlos Ruiz (51) celebrate the win against the New York Mets at Citi Field. Phillies won 13-8. Mandatory Credit: Anthony Gruppuso-USA TODAY Sports

“We are thrilled beyond belief to learn how cool Justin De Fratus is,” said GM Ruben Amaro in a highly unorthodox impromptu press conference on his front lawn while wearing a bathrobe. “We’d had our suspicions since he joined the organization and began climbing through our farm system, but it’s great to finally have this information out in the open.”

In a column lampooning those who had previously labeled De Fratus as “uncool” or “bad,” ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney demanded apologies from culprits who had doubted De Fratus’ coolness.

“They must first go to his family, his friends, and throw themselves at their feet for the media firestorm this situation had created,” Olney hammered away on his type writer.  “They must go to the producers of Dinner Impossible and apologize for doubting that he was on the episode, ‘Spring Training Triangle.‘ They must drive to his hometown of Whittier, California, and place fliers on every telephone poll, apologizing in text form.  They must sit by the graves of his deceased childhood pets and beg for forgiveness from the ghastly spectre of Tiddly-Wink, the guinea pig of his youth.”

Fans across the nation expressed surprise and wonder at the revelation as well.  “It just brings up the question, you know – who else is cool in baseball?” asked Phillies fan Phil Paulson. “How many other guys are pulling off sweet skateboard tricks, or high-fiving the mayor?  The questions will never stop, I feel.  Maybe there should be another wing in Cooperstown, just for cool people.”

But perhaps the most daming rhetoric belongs to De Fratus himself: “When you know you’re cool, it’s extremely difficult to have to prove how cool you are when you’re in a process where you’re 100% uncool until proven ****ing awesome.”