WARNING: Delmon Young’s Assimilation with Phillies Imminent


Klaxons blared on Twitter just now as Jim Salisbury sounded the alarm.

This is it, people; this is what we drilled for.  Everybody get into your bunkers and lie to the children.

“It’s going to be all right.  Everything is going to be fine.  Delmon Young is here to provide offense as a designated hitter.”

“Then why did the sky turn black, daddy?  Why were those cackling skeletons burning the city with fire shooting out of their eyes?”

“… we brought your meds down here, right?  We remembered those?”

February 25, 2013; Clearwater, FL, USA; Philadelphia Phillies left fielder Delmon Young (3) talks with manager Charlie Manuel (41) works out prior to the game at Bright House Networks Field. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Delmon Young will be this year’s Jim Thome, only 8,000% less beloved by everyone involved with the sport he plays.  Their similarities merely intersect in that they will presumably be filling/have filled the same role for the Phillies, the DH in AL ballparks, which is a job for NL players now.

Of course, they might just drop him in right field, too, if they really want to shellshock everybody.  But we don’t know enough to comment on this situation yet.  All we “know” is that he is headed for Cleveland, which happens to be where the Phillies are to play baseball.

Or he could just be going there for the attractions.

Oh god this is real.

UPDATE, 1:23 pm:  Per Zolecki, Ezequiel Carrera was the first casualty.