Your Guide to Phillies-Reds Ninth Inning Reboot Madness

Weirdly enough, the Phillies couldn’t score any runs last night, making baseball look like some kind of dull, uninteresting game.

Apr 16, 2013; Cincinnati, OH, USA; Philadelphia Phillies John Mayberry Jr. (15) runs to first base after grounding out as Cincinnati Reds first baseman Joey Votto (19) catches a throw from third during the ninth inning at Great American Ball Park. Mandatory Credit: David Kohl-USA TODAY Sports

Fortunately, the Reds were just as pointless, scoring zero runs off Kyle Kendrick, and the game plunged through inning after inning and rain storm after rain storm to its undoubtedly hideous conclusion.

Only it never came.  This game is still going on, somehow, after rain once again forced a delay in the bottom of the ninth.

Now, the game exists outside of the known universe, floating there with the rest of the Phillies in limbo, like Chooch and Lenny Dysktra’s sanity.  Disgusted by the scheduling abortion, MLB slapped a bizarre “5:30” start time on the reboot, and hopes that the teams can just get it over with so everyone can hurry up and forget about this mess.  Reds’ starter Homer “can only say things about homers” Bailey said, “Maybe the first batter will hit a home run and win.”

We have no idea of knowing what will happen.  Yes we do.  The Phillies will not score and some unsung Reds batter will blast the cover off the ball for a gross 1-0 win that just feels gross.  But before that happens, what’s the situation?  After five or six hours of night terrors, your memory is shot.  And now the Phillies are asking you to jump right back into a game already in progress?

We’re here to help.

What’s the situation?

We are still tied at 0-0, obviously.  It is the bottom of the ninth inning.  It’s late and everybody pissed.  If you’re hanging out at your sister’s house, watching the game, she just gave you a displeased look when you claimed you’d “stay up all damn night” if you had to and asked anybody if they wanted anything from your “coffee run.”  She then locked the door after you left.  Maybe you should just get cable.

Who is pitching?

Apr 16, 2013; Cincinnati, OH, USA; Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel watches during the first inning in a game against the Cincinnati Reds at Great American Ball Park. Mandatory Credit: David Kohl-USA TODAY Sports

Phillippe “The French Connection” Aumont.  He has been warming up for 16 hours.

Who is batting?

Reds shortstop Zack Cozart.  He’s got one of the Red’s only two hits in the game, but manager Dusty Baker pointed out, “It’ll be strange getting the first at-bat at home.”  So hopefully Cozart is so disoriented that he holds the bat upside down or somehow strikes out from the broadcast booth.

What time does the game start?

5:30 p.m., just in time for your drive-time commute.  Now you can take all that pent-up work frustration out on your car radio, instead of bursting a blood vessel yelling at the motorcyclists lane-splitting through the gridlock THAT IS ONLY LEGAL IN CALIFORNIA YOU COWARDS **rolls up windows quickly and cowardly**

Who is going to win?

Charlie Manuel says, “Anytime they want to, we can start hitting the ball and scoring some runs.”  If we’re assuming he means the Phillies, then yay!  The key to the Phillies winning this game is them wanting to hit.  The Reds, clearly, don’t want to do it, so if we’re one intense desire away from the W, then I’d say this one’s in the bag.

What are the odds of extra innings?

Pretty good, these teams are really bad.

Unless…