Delmon Young’s Shameful Past Erased by Successful Thing


Delmon Young hit a home run off R.A. Dickey yesterday, thus proving everyone wrong who had said negative things about him.

“Per baseball rules,” Bud Selig began, still fumbling with his tie in an emergency press conference shortly after the incident, “we have erased all that bad ‘Delmon Young’ stuff that made everyone hate him in the first place.  The sucking, the horrible defense, the mostly bad defense, all of it.”

Before any of the reporters could raise a hand in the air, he continued.  “Yeah, even the anti-Semitic stuff.  All of it, gone.”

It’s perfect timing for Delmon Young, whose signing by the Phillies was frowned upon from day one.  Fans had a hard time coming around to the presence of the seemingly unmotivated, already injured former Tiger, whom general manager Ruben Amaro had nonsensically tagged as the team’s “everyday right fielder.”

“R.A. Dickey is like, really good,” Selig continued.  “He won the Best Pitcher Award last year.  I mean, can you hit a home run off him?  With a bum ankle to boot?”  Selig then shook his head and made an over exaggerated sigh.  “Man,” he continued.  “Awesome.”

“He didn’t even have to run the bases because of his ankle, but he did it anyway!” Selig explained.  “If that’s not the blue collar, lunch pail Philly-style that will win the fans over, I don’t know what will.”

“Delmon will be predominantly be remembered for his stunning MVP performance in last year’s ALCS, which was stunning because of how bad he is,” Selig explained.  “I’ve taken care of his Wikipedia page myself, already.  And all people who didn’t say anything when he was signed are free to start saying that they’ve been the ‘only ones since he was signed to say that he was the best signing of the offseason.'”