Innocent Children to Witness Cole Hamels vs. Horrifying Dominican Republic Lineup


Today’s Phillies game is special, as it pits them against the Dominican Republic national team, slotted to play in the World Baseball Classic.

Cole Hamels takes the mound at 1:05, where he will be forced to pitch to a “f*ck this” lineup of sadistic proportions that has wasted no time taking over Bright House Field.

Those are perennial NL East favorites Jose Reyes and Hanley Ramirez, now happily transplanted to the AL East and NL West, respectively.  Also, there’s Robinson Cano, who I’ve heard people say is better than Chase Utley, usually while laughing, and usually while pinning me down and making me eat dirt.

Then there’s Edwin Encarnacion, who… you know what, here’s a list of their 2012 OPS/career OPS, for perspective.

  • Reyes: .780/.782
  • Cano: .929/.854
  • Ramirez: .774/866 (Appeared in 64 games in 2012)
  • Encarnacion: .941/.815

Meanwhile, Cole Hamels, the Phillies’ widely supported candidate for opening day starter, is coming off a pair of preseason starts that tally him five innings pitched, six K’s, five hits allowed, and zero earned runs.  This could be a hell of an afternoon.

For the first two innings.  Because, you know, this is spring training, and sooner or later we’re gonna see B.J. Rosenberg or some shit out there, giving up a three-run home run to Miguel Tejada.

UPDATE: DR team is so good most of the Phillies are switching teams.