Roy Halladay, Carlos Ruiz Give Interviews of Alternating Vibes

The Phillies gave a variety of interviews you’ve already read about today, which I did not partake in due to a lack of press credentials/playing video games.

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

But anyone who watched will tell you, that there were certainly some things said and boy oh boy, **knowing laughter**, would you regret it if you were on the train home from your girlfriend’s or swearing at the TV because this one achievement in Dishonored is just impossible.

Roy Halladay went first, maybe, and gave us a confidence-building exercise that, let’s face it, some of us were prepared for.  You could have gone into Doc’s meeting with reporters pumping the brakes, priding yourself on self-awareness.  But the truth is, all you had to hear from him was anything more than “I hate you, Philadelphia,” and you would be clapping your hands vapidly like you just unwrapped a puppy on Christmas morning.  And that puppy was going to throw you 320 innings in 2013.

Needless to say, Roy has some things to prove in 2013, courtesy of CSN Philly.

"“I know Chase suggested drilling a few guys this year, so, I might mix that in.”"

Ha ha ha, ha ha ha.

"“I don’t think there’s anybody in there that’s thinking I’ve got two or three years left to do this. I think we all want to do it now. Hopefully that’s the goal. I think all the guys who are getting older realize they have less chances to do it.”"

Ha ha ha, wait oh jesus.  Did he just acknowledge his mortality?  Doesn’t that… won’t he turn to dust?  Or is his the thing where his painting turns into a picture of himself as a corpse?! Someone call Rich Dubee and have him play the flute or whatever puts Roy Halladay back to sleep.

"“If I had my druthers I would be here until I’m done. As good as they’ve been to me; I think they realize that I’d be as good to them as I could be. Going forward, if that were the case, I really don’t see myself playing anywhere else and I don’t want to play anywhere else."

Well, I was just breathing into a paper bag because of something I made up after branching from your real-life statement to me sad delusions, but yes; if anyone deserves the love and admiration of one of the baseball’s modern legends, it is the city of Philadelphia and our underground throwing knife leagues.

"“I’m playing to win a World Series. That’s why I’m playing baseball.”"

You know, some guys will go their entire career without revealing their motives for playing baseball.  Roy has blessed us with his truth; that he is playing baseball to appease the demon gods who gave him his power.  And then became horrified when he supplemented his demon-spawned talent with rigorous, daily, silent physical training.

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

And what would make them feel dumber than watching Roy Halladay win a World Series trophy, begin chuckling quietly during his post game interview, then laughing manically as he ballooned to the size of a skyscraper and began eating the universe.

Meanwhile, on the Chooch side of things, Chooch gave an interview too.  As a twist, his was about adderall suspension.  Well, it was supposed to be.  After eight minutes it became about why Chooch didn’t answer any questions about his adderall suspension, repeating similar phrases about regretting it, and apologizing for it, and the number of times he got caught, and then being taken away by a Phillies handler.

So that’s weird.  But when does ominous foreshadowing ever lead to sinister things?  I mean other than by definition.