Local School in Path of Phanatic Escape Route, According to Schematics found in cage


Those physical fitness trainers who’ve kept our Phillies in such excellent shape are hitting the road.

Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

Or at least, that’s what the team would have you think.  Otherwise the Phanatic’s latest “visit” to an elementary school could be classified as an “escape” or “rampage.”

It’s all part of a master plan organized by a delirious Phillies Phanatic, worn down mentally by another winter of being caged and kept in the bowels of Citizens Bank Park until baseball season.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” a CBP employee responded to questions shouted through a fence.  “There’s no Phanatic feeding chamber next to the players’ showers, either.”

There have long been questions as to the Phanatic’s activities during the offseason, and after following a thread of evidence, the answer seems to have presented itself.

“Seriously, this is all a waste of time,” the employee continued, leading a live goat toward a stair case at the far end of the stadium, from which guttural growls and and rattling were audible.  “Those sounds are just Charlie Manuel.  We told him we were ordering ribs.”

The cover-up is apparently wide-open now, as blue prints surfaced in the past week from a disgruntled CBP worker, who claims they indicate the Phanatic, tired of being tormented and quarantined through the winter months, planned an escape, using a visit to a local grade school as cover.

“Look, I’m not saying anything directly,” the former employee said in an anonymous phone call.  “But if you were to ask some of the players if they heard awful sounds coming from that feeding chamber after the game, they would give you some pretty grotesque looks.”

The schematics seem to chart a path from the school in Gloucester, NJ, to a black market frigate headed for the tropics, from which the Phanatic would seemingly look for passage to his native Galapagos.

“I can’t tell you how nice it would be to find out he made it home,” the former employee went on, his recent departure from the organization narrowing the list of his potential identity.  “That guy… that guy has been through a lot.  Some nights we could hear gentle sobs, and he’d… he’d try to cover them up with the blast from a hot dog cannon, but we knew.  We always knew he wanted out.”