New Phillies Ball Girls Mistaken for Outfield Depth


The Phillies are currently on the hunt for outfield depth to supplement the four-man outfield platoon that could realistically fill out the corners.

Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

Fans were thrilled last week to find out the team had added 17 new options, all local teenage girls.

Fans then saw that thrill completely unravel after it was revealed that the new hires were all filling the position of “ball girl,” not “team outfielder.”

“I was like, ‘oh, man, that’s so Ruben Amaro,'” reported Dwayne Hazlett of South Jersey.  “A League of Their Own but real?  Did not see that coming.”  [EDITOR’S NOTE: A League of Their Own was actually based on real events.]

To some, it may have seemed like the traditionally radical offseason move pulled off by GM Ruben Amaro had finally occurred, and instead of one large, blockbuster signing, the Phillies’ general manager had pulled off 17 revolutionary ones.

“It was already kind of a big deal before I even saw their stats or anything,” Hazlett continued.  “I brought the signings up at work and everybody was so shocked that they laughed in my face and told me to shut up.”

The Phillies’ search for outfield depth–which, with most high profile names off the table, had involved players like grown men Scott Hairston and Vernon Wells–would have indeed come to an abrupt end. With so many options to choose from, and so much paper work given the rules of MLB preventing them from hiring any of their new players, there would have without a doubt been very little time to conduct any other business, making the concept a tough one to perceive, even mistakenly.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Hazlett continued via gchat, long after the interview had concluded.  “I mean, what a historic day.”

At press time it was revealed that TBOH had managed to find the single Delaware Valley citizen who believed the ball girls to be outfield signings and it in no way reflected any idiotic widespread notion.