Chipper Jones Chooses Incorrectly Assembling Household Items over Baseball


Chipper Jones, a 40-year-old man who routinely uses the phrase”lol” and used to play baseball for the Atlanta Braves, has decided not to return to the game.

Retirement in baseball is tricky these days.  Guys have trouble breaking away from the game, and with the shallow depth as far as hitting goes–and third base specifically–teams are hungrier than ever to have a proven commodity come back.

So naturally, people were calling Chipper Jones to find out if he would be available for the 2013 season, just weeks after Jones made it official that he would be back for no seasons ever again.  And he was forced to reiterate that yes, 2013 is one of the seasons in question.

Could the Phillies have been one of those phone calls?  Yes.  Our sources here are telling us that the team does still have phones.  For more intimate calls, Ruben will appear at a player’s window and hurl rocks.

But it seems that Chipper has been pretty busy as a retired middle-aged man, scoffing at needing the directions for a basketball hoop, then wordlessly shaking his head as he regretted throwing them away.

So it seems Jones will stay retired, and turn down that little voice in retired athletes’ heads that tells them that coming back for one year to play adequately at best  in a different uniform won’t at all sully their legacy.