Phast Phive: Pheast of Phree Agents

Shut up, Angel. You’ll love it here. Eric Hartline-US PRESSWIRE

Justin Klugh

I think we can all agree that the best way to stay occupied in the winter and keep from axe-murdering our families is burying ourselves in sweet, sweet MLB trade rumors.  And why not!  They’re flying fast and loose these days!  Why, look at this one—the Phillies have signed B.J. Upton!  Wait, no, that’s a fake account.  Well how about this here! The Phillies traded Joe Blanton to the Orioles—huh.  Well that’s even dumber.  Was David Herndon really DFA’d and then picked back up by the Yankees?  WHICH DANNY KNOBLER CAN WE TRUST?!

Just for starters—and this goes for frantic tweeters and beat reporters confused as to how fake accounts are funny enough to be, you know, things—you can assume the guy with the 36,000+ followers is the real CBS Sports writer.  The guy with 13?  I don’t think even CBS could be that unsuccessful.  This isn’t The Big Bang Theory, here.

So, whether they truly are attempts at humor, or beat writers from another dimension’s timeline slipping through a fabrics of space—whispers of another universe, if you will—just try to keep a suspicious alertness when dealing with Twitter’s hot stove.

Or just, you know.  Take the extra two fucking seconds to be sure.

Ethan Seidel

With the Phillies staying mum on who they will throw millions of dollars at this off season, I thought I’d take a break from scouring the rumor mill to wish Jamie Moyer a belated happy 50th birthday. The Phillies made a nice bday video for the ageless wonder. Here’s hoping he’s got one more season in him! [EDITOR’S NOTE: Why do you want Jamie Moyer dead?!]

A new Rocky musical just debuted in Germany! Wait what, Rocky–a musical? Yes, you read correctly. Apparently this artistic affair was given the seal of approval by Sly himself, who attended the opening night. And don’t worry Philadelphians, the show is set to come to Broadway in 2013 so you don’t have to cross the pond to witness the magic.

Jovan Alford

I like how the Phillies added four players to their 40 man roster that could help them possibly this season if need be, but two of the four players I think can be a part of Phillies pitching staff. Pettibone and May look like future pitching stars in the making. Both pitchers I expect to be pitching down at Lehigh Valley for this season.

John Stolnis

Normally, I don’t start off my links with a rousing testimony to how brilliant and insightful I am. Unfortunately, today isn’t one of those days. ESPN’s Jayson Stark was asked yesterday who would be the best fit in the Phillies outfield. And, like the brilliant baseball writer he is, he agreed that my man-love for Angel Pagan is well founded.

Pretty much every free agent and trade-eligible player on the open market has been linked to the Phillies over the last week and a half. The most recent additions to the Phils’ “kicking the tire” list are an aging Puma and a Japanese reliever who once said he didn’t want to get traded to Toronto because “of the weather.” Yeah, Toronto plays in a dome.

And the Phillies have identified a few more prospects not named Darin Ruf that they’d like to hold onto, adding them to their 40-man roster.